What is soccer? Unlike our own sport, which you play by manipulating a stick and ball with your hands, contestants in this incredible new field game must use only their feet, thighs, and hips to move the ball toward the goal.
The ball, roughly the size of a human head and made of vulcanized rubber, is both kicked and nudged toward its destination by eleven (not nine) players atop a pitch of grass. A point (or goal) is scored when the ball crosses a six-meter-wide line at the far end of the pitch. This would be incredibly easy, except that there is another complete eleven-person team of players trying to stop this from happening, also using only their feet, thighs, and hips.
As you may imagine, things get pretty rough-and-tumble out there.
How eager are we to try this new sport? Well, suffice it to say that the winning team is sacrificed to the god of rain, Tlaloc, by having their hearts removed from their chest cavities while still, er, kicking.