So it has happened again: you are standing at the bonfire with a person you are hoping to impress, wiener on stick, and the goldarn thing slips off into the fire, settling firmly into the ash before exploding into a black mess. You are mortified, embarrassed in front of a large group of your peers, and your would-be romantic partner turns away with a shudder, never to speak to you again.
You have screwed up again by letting your wiener slip ignominiously into the fire.
Some dating professionals will tell you that you need to figure out how to keep that wiener on the stick until fully cooked and ready to place on the bun. They tell you you need to choose your stick wisely, pierce the wiener from oblique angles, stick your wiener waaaaaay on there, keep a good grip on it as it goes into the flames, take a scientific approach to the angle of your stick, etc. etc.
We believe there is an easier answer. See, there are hundreds of thousands of singles out there who will always drop their wiener directly into the fire no matter what precautions are taken. These are the same sort of people who always stagger at a crowded party while carrying trays of peppery sauces, fall down a nearby flight of stairs, and take out the hosts in their freshly starched white shirts and pants. Those people (YOU!) need a strategy for saving bungled situations. Here are some handy tips.
1. PRETEND SOMEONE JOSTLED YOU FROM BEHIND
Uncle Toby frequently uses this trick at parties when he drops his wiener into the fire. Cry out, look behind you at Britanny or Cam, and blame them for bumping your wiener and causing the catastrophe.
2. COOLY FISH YOUR WIENER OUT AND EAT IT
Basically you could pretend to like wieners with a relish of soot and pieces of log stuck to them. Go hardcore, man, and impress the wo/man you love with your wiener.
3. CREATE A DISTRACTION
Use the classic ‘Look it’s Bigfoot!’ ploy. While your friends are looking elsewhere, get a new wiener onto your stick and into the fire, fast.
4. DECLARE THAT YOU DO NOT EVEN LIKE HOT DOGS, THEN LET YOUR WIENER SLIP ELEGANTLY INTO THE FIRE
Some people fall for this one. If your movements are deft enough, you just may convince them!