Gushing to reporters in the locker room after Sunday’s Prego Tom Brady event in the Stadio Olimpico in Rome, Italy’s first live American football event that featured a faceoff between the G.O.A.T.’s own Tampa Bay Buccaneers and some other team, the Pope declared himself ‘so fucking happy right now’ after finally getting the chance to meet his favorite NFL quarterback of all time.

‘I was like just so, you know, JITTERY,’ gushed the Supreme Pontiff, still too nervous to sit down, ‘we had to wait like two hours to see him and then when I finally went up to him and it was my turn to say hello I was like oh my GOD it is actually TOM BRADY he is so cuuuuuute and I thought I was going to pee my loincloth.’

Aha, another mystery solved.

Tom Brady’s actual helmet

The Vicar of Jesus Christ said, ‘Thank GOD I didn’t freeze up or anything when I got to talk to him, I just kissed his rings, and told him I know you must get this all the time, Mr. Brady, but I am your biggest fan. Nothing special, but wow, this is the greatest day of my life.’

Tom Brady declined to comment for this article.

Photo by Nacho Arteaga on Unsplash
Photo by Lucas Andrade on Unsplash