SCIENTISTS SAY SURE, JACK, THEY COULD BREED 30-FOOT TALL CATS, BUT SHOULD THEY

Hotshot stem cell researchers in Peoria’s own Molecular Labs Ink have confirmed that, ‘Yes we could very well clone and breed 30-foot tall cats, tabby or what you like, Jack.’

Then they said, ‘The question you got to ask yourself, is should we.’

The hotshots went on to describe the predatory nature of the typical Peoria housecat (measuring on average just 22 centimeters in height), how its 30-foot tall cousin would most likely immediately begin to stalk the upstanding, innocent citizens of Peoria as though we were so many mice, first stunning the prey with their giant paws, then while the weakly struggling victims were still alive carrying them in their beastly mandibles back to their hidden lairs where they would toy with them for days, keeping them just alive, until finally biting off their heads.

‘We do not know if you have ever seen a half-digested human corpse barfed back along with some oversized kibbles on somebody’s front lawn,’ they quipped. ‘It is food for thought.’

The question came up during a recent pizza delivery when this Gorko reporter, curious for a friend who recently lost her orange tabby Punkin at the age of 10 years, asked if the scientists could make her a really big cat, like a 30-foot tall cat, so that it would live forever.

‘The 30-foot tall cats we can but probably should not clone and breed,’ replied the scientists, sniffing the boxes of thick-crust meat lover’s special with mistrust, ‘would certainly not live forever. Due to added stress on their oversized hearts from pouncing on cars and swatting at police helicopters, in fact, Jack, they might not even end up living even half as long as Punkin.’

At no point were the scientists told that our name was Jack, and it is in fact something completely different.