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I COULDN’T DO IT, ‘CANTIBAL’ CONFESSES

Peoria-area ‘cantibal’ reports being the victim of bullying by actual local cannibals because [the ‘cantibal’ in question] can’t stand the taste of human flesh.

‘I used to eat people all the time, no problem, but then one day this spring it was like a switch was flipped, and people started to repulse me,’ the ‘cantibal’ Relusa Minipus told Gorko reporters while paying for their medium veggie-lovers pizza. They said, ‘I mean, days gone by, the pizza boy wouldn’t have stood a chance.’

Relusa’s cannibal friends began taunting them from the trailer out back where they squatted, asking them if they was a cannibal or a ‘cantible’, and encouraging them to dismember the pizza boy and eat his brain.

‘The ‘cantible’ nickname stuck at our Fourth of July picnic when I choked on the shinbone of a baby, you know normally babies go down so smooth, no need for sauce or anything, and puked most of her back up,’ Relusa sighed. ‘I knew I would never live down that stupid baby.’

Photo by Nico Melgarejo on Unsplash