TITILLATING: BOGUS CAPTAIN B INTERVIEW LEAKED TO GORKO BY A MAN NAMED MITCHELL

GORKO ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR AND SUBLEASER MITCHELL KENNEDY, APPARENTLY UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT GORKO POET LAUREATE AND ALL-AROUND BADASS CAPTAIN B IS AN ACTUAL PERSON, HAS DISCREETLY LEAKED US AN ‘EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW’ WITH THAT FICTIONAL POET, CLAIMING THAT HE BUMPED INTO THE CAPTAIN OFF BARBADOS WHILE DIVING FOR OYSTERS WITH HIS FAITHFUL DOG AMPERSAT TODD. HERE ARE OUR FAVORITE PARTS OF THE RESULTING FABRICATION, INCLUDING WHAT MITCHELL THINKS IS THE SPELLING OF THE MAGAZINE HE WRITES FOR.

Exclusive Interview with Gorko Gaz├ęd Poet Laureate Captain B

AN INTERVIEW BY B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: How nice of you to join us on my luxurious yacht, Captain B. Have an oyster. Is it true that you were originally a whaler?

CAPTAIN B: [REDACTED]

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: Oh, truly very amazing, my good friend Captain B. Captain B, would you care to share some amusing anecdote about our times together in Acapulco, when we were there in 1976 galavanting with the Brazilian soccer team, in naught but swimwear?

CAPTAIN B: [REDACTED]

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: Ha ha ha, Captain B! You truly made my buccaneer’s belly go up and down, like the wheel on the capstan!

CAPTAIN B: [REDACTED]

AMPERSAT TODD: Ruff, ruff!

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: Ho ho ho, even @Todd loves your witty retorts! Now Captain B, wagging tongues on little birds have informed us, wink wink, that you may IN FACT possibly no longer be an eligible bachelor, or even a confirmed one such as myself. Would you be comfortable telling us a little about the new mystery lady or felluh in your life?

CAPTAIN B: [REDACTED]

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: Oh, so THAT is her name, is it? And her pronoun is SHE!!! Well I am certainly all beet red and it is not from the sun. Captain, whatever shall we do with all of your fan ‘male’? Tee hee hee!

AMPERSAT TODD: Grrrrrrrrr….

CAPTAIN B: [REDACTED]

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: Yes I am a bit of a wit myself, I do confess. Do you know that I also write poetry allow me to recite one of my most recent poems for y-

CAPTAIN B: [REDACTED]

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: Oh, yes, the luncheon, I nearly forgot.

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: Captain B! Captain! Come back!

AMPERSAT TODD: Arf, arf!

B.F.S. MITCHELL KENNEDY: I am in complete agreement, @Todd. He needn’t have SWUM to shore — we have a perfectly seaworthy dinghy stuffed with chips, beverages, and lotions.

And that is as far as Mitch got with this purely fictional interview. Nice to know he has these healthy fantasies about The Capn, though! Ta-ta.

TGG