Author: thegorkogazette
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NEW PLANET DISCOVERED ORBITING BROTHER-IN-LAW
Everyone’s favorite person in the world and his own greatest fan, my sister’s husband Liam from Nashville, was so grandiloquent and pompous at the Memorial Day picnic that he appeared to attract his own planet.
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IF ‘CRY ME A RHUBARD’ IS NOT THE RIGHT EXPRESSION, YOU CAN CALL ME A LAWYER
An unknown local software engineer (it was Phil) used the following words to bring a succinct end to what had been an ongoing carpool argument with coworker Dave Thompson. Dave would later call Robussen Robussen & Pierre. Photo by Edson…
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YOU ARE GOING TO WISH YOU HAD ALWAYS READ JANE AUSTEN IN A FLEECY FLYBREEZE® HAMMOCK
Testimonial from Sue in Peoria: Yeah, when my hubby and I first tried reading Jane Austen in the Fleecy Flybreeze® it was so different. It was like having Darcy’s arms around you, soft and fleecy arms. I overcame my prejudice…
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BEEF STROGANOFF BAKE OFF ENDS IN HEATED EXCHANGE
Church council members had to intervene at this week’s thirteenth annual Mount of Olives Beef Stroganoff Bake Off as Linda and Tammy faced off over alleged subordination of bake off jurors. The blue ribbon this year was awarded to Tammy,…
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FIRE EXTINGUISHER 1, EAST GERMAN TERRORIST IN ‘DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE’ 0
Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash
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KINDLE FIRE USED TO READ PART OF A BOOK
Three months after acquiring his new Kindle Fire 10″, the Amazon 1080p full-HD 64 GB octa-core processor color tablet, local middle-school teacher David Bowman said, ‘Alexa, stop,’ with a heavy sigh, and caused the built-in virtual assistant A.I. called Alexa…
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BUT IT DOESN’T TASTE LIKE KOOL-AID, MA
Local mother Juvenilda Roscoe has reportedly been trying to feed her children an exotic new flavor of Kool-Aid, which has led to suspicion, accusations, and threats in the Roscoe household. ‘It doesn’t taste like Kool-Aid,’ whined eldest daughter Flumina, who…
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WET T-SHIRT GHOST HUNTERS FOUND STRANGLED IN THEIR OWN BEADS
They knew it would not be easy. They suspected that it might be dangerous. But what they probably did not expect was to lose their lives hunting the wet t-shirt ghosts of old Cancún. When Dr. Randolf Droidletaum heard the…
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STOP FRIENDING DEAD PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK TODAY: YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE
It is always embarrassing when you reconnect on Facebook after your six-month meditation camp in Tibet or Laos and with best of intentions begin to add people you knew from high school and university, and you really get on a…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Titanic Disaster’
Titanic Disaster is a true-to-life literal minute-by-minute retelling of the epic tragedy of the RMS Titanic, the 1912 cruise liner that sank in the North Atlantic after striking an iceberg, an event that resulted in more than 1,500 deaths. Director…
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ALL ABOARD STEPHEN KING’S ‘THE LANGOLIERS’
You awake on board transcontinental flight 703, L.A. to Boston with the distinct sense that something is very wrong, and you couldn’t be more correct.
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SCIENTISTS DISCOVER CURE FOR HEARTBREAK
A South Korean research team has discovered the ultimate cure for heartache, announced their team leader Park Ahn-Jong Wednesday. ‘We were in the Mini Super with Joon-Woo, whose wife had just left him and taken the children, and we discovered…
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THE ELUSIVE JUNGLE SIRENS OF QUINTANA ROO
Beautiful, enshrined in mist and vines, and not always what you expect.
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LOCAL PEEWEE SOCCER BIG SIX TO FORM OWN SUPER LEAGUE
In an earth-shattering move for Peoria soccer, children of the Big Six will be joining the kids of 35 other mothers in a ‘complementary’ league of their own.
