Captain B

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL

I’d spied them long before they saw me
I cleared the curb with a bunnyhop
With both more flair and altitude than needed
Almost a tabletop
I then whipped a quick three-sixty
Now with left foot on front peg
Kicked the back wheel up
Seat secured under my elbow
And glid, glode, glided
What was referred to
By those in the know
At that time
A hang-five
I rode it some meters
Before letting the tail down
To swing around
I stepped through to the back peg
Now the front wheel in the air
And scuffed a backyard
Starting wide before tightening
Riding the golden spiral in
To a tight and quick spin
I did not cleanly get back to my pedals
However
But touched down
If i’d been down in St. Paul
At the Midwest Freestyle Series
Judges would’ve noticed
I knew the unofficial judges noticed
Not the mistake so much
As the show
I pedaled in the other direction
Before turning back around
I pumped hard and picked up speed
I jumped up, right foot on seat, left on handlebars
And stood up in my (famous) surfer
As i rolled by
Pretending to notice them sitting on the wall
For the first time, said
Oh, hey
Amy R. and Tammy L. laughed
Tammy passed Amy the smoke they were sharing
They knew i knew that they’d been watching all along
And they’d been watching because i’d been performing
Only too obvious that i’d seen them first
I dropped to the pedals and rode over
Hey
Hey
Got another of those?
Got one more. Want it? It’s a Newport
Menthol, hell no, but i didn’t say it
Just waved a denying hand and shook my head
Staying at Kell’s tonight. He’s got some Winstons
It was Friday
We’d been about an hour out of school
Tammy was going to sleep at Amy’s
At that age i could only manage a few minutes of conversation
Before losing my cool
Of course we’re not talking emotional temper
And we’ll take the assertion lightly (thus undoing it)
I announced i was off to Kell’s
They asked where my backpack and change of clothes were
I scoffed
They laughed and made fun of me and boys in general for such things
As i was riding away, Amy called out to ask if i’d be at TVN
Teen Variety Night at the middle school
The following night
Probably i confirmed
And with a nod
I was off
Riding a wheelie into the sunset

***

WHO IS CAPTAIN B?

Captain B. Seafarer. Lover of shore leave. Collector of heads. Disseminator of tales. Twitter: @NPeligeiro

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witches brew and warlocks too

The wicked witch wilted on down the road
The good witch stood atop a giant toad
Nobody knew from which abode
Came the casks of the magic ale
The motherload

The wizards and enchantresses
Know how to get down
Tales of the soirees travel
From town to town

If one should happen to lose their right mind
There is always a security spell
To guard against the unsavory waving of wands
Fuck, Valdemort, what the hell?

Sleep it off old Gandalf, Merlin or Atu
Make room for breakfast of a hearty stew
Next time you’ll sip deep
No need to slam
You missed the whole set
When the minstrels began to jam

***

WHO IS CAPTAIN B?

Captain B. Seafarer. Lover of shore leave. Collector of heads. Disseminator of tales. Twitter: @NPeligeiro

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SWAPPING RECIPES

When i go out to drink coffee and smoke
Just after sun up on a weekday
While she takes first turn in the bathroom
Doña Beti is usually around
Raking leaves, watering plants, organizing the tool shed
Waiting for Magda, her daughter, to show up with the bigger plan
Or Memo or Angel and put them to work painting something
Installing or removing something- hauling or lifting something
Whatever needs to be done

She likes to talk about beasts and which are good to eat
She’s talked about iguanas more than once
I’ve seen plenty around here
The little ones are green
The big ones are black
At least the small ones i’ve seen have been green
And the big suckers black
I’m sure i haven’t seen them all

We just now chatted about the chachalacas
The southern cousin of the northern pheasants
I’m more familiar with
Saben ricos en un caldo picoso
I don’t usually eat breakfast
But had remembered seeing something about
Caldo de Mole season having begun
So i craved both dishes or any
Steaming and spicy bowl of a meat stew of some sort
Temptation threatening my usual fast

Then i mentioned that i’d seen a possum wandering around the site
The other night
Only i wasn’t sure of the word though i’d looked it up
Zarigüeya
But one can’t always trust the dictionary or academic Spanish
As the local names can be quite different from place to place
Especially if retained from the indigenous languages
Of any given region

Zarigüeya
Fell on flat ears

I explained
It lives in trees, like a rat but not, medio ciego
Oh you mean an ardilla
No, not a squirrel
Like a rat, half blind, lives in trees
Ahh! It’s black and has a long tail!
The one in question had been
Eso, i answered affirmatively
Ah yes, it has a long tail and a white stripe down its back
Um, no, wait- but i’d already affirmed so i let it go
Un zorrillo se llama
No it wasn’t a skunk, but like i said, i’d let it go

Glad i had or i wouldn’t have heard how when she was little
She had a terrible rash on both legs so her dad brought her to a ranch
Where they prepared her a hot and spicy caldo prepared with skunk meat
Careful to first remove and not puncture the anal glands located in the rectum
I pointed out (and ruined my own appetite in doing so)
To remain in the conversation and add to it?
Although my words weren’t quite so sophisticated as those
Yes, she agreed.
It was tasty and cleared the rash up within a day

I took note
Then then mentioned my grandfather’s
Snapping turtle stew

She wanted to know more

I told her
Omer, would spy a snapping turtle from time to time
When out fishing
And from time to time he’d catch one
He’d then bring it to his brother’s bar
Where they’d make a stew and put it on special

I still owe her information
And details
Concerning spice
Time
temperature…

***

WHO IS CAPTAIN B?

Captain B. Seafarer. Lover of shore leave. Collector of heads. Disseminator of tales. Twitter: @NPeligeiro

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THERE WE WERE

There we were
The two younger would-bes
Maybes
And the verified, established Uncle H
Old bard
All somehow (Providence?) neighbors
In low-rent condominiums
(Palm trees a must)
Along with the wives/non-wives
WE’RE NOT MARRIED!!!
The women would proclaim
At any time it suited
All collected outside the 7-11
Uncle H second guessed beer
Sitting behind the wheel of his
Finally, after years of toil
Used BMW smoking a hand-rolled
I’m getting wine, he grumbled and sped off
Inside, my brother-in-arms and i
Went about loading the cart with beer
As i turned to examine which bottle of hard stuff
We’d sneak somehow past the non-wives
He wandered off but soon returned
With pants and shirts and electrical cords
I looked around suspiciously
The hell’d you get that? I questioned
Why the hell’d you get that? i wondered
Then remembering our mission
Focus – chips, peanuts, beef jerky
Visine
More smokes for me
Let’s go

Don’t know how the party went
Or what we’d figured out
But when consciousness returned
My wife and i were on the lam
I pretended i knew exactly where we’d been
And what we’d been doing
Soon her talk filled in the gaps
Don’t worry if we get arrested, she assured
We have all the evidence we need

We’d broken into the paper factory and had in our possession
The charred remains, some teeth that hadn’t melted completely
And a metal belt buckle
The paper plant owner was in cahoots with some local toughs
And had a good business on the side disposing of fallen-out-of-grace associates
Now i didn’t worry so much about the police and a bit of jail time before
Our evidence would be processed but about the faction seeing video surveillance reels
And hacking, chopping, and dicing us nicely before feeding and stoking the malicious
Dark amaranthine fire…it had been the smell of burning hair and the stink of charred flesh
As she and i sat sharing a bottle of wine on the river bank just opposite the factory
The other night that started this whole thing
Then when we brought news back to the party i.e. our neighbors
They got in on it

Later over drinks
We’d laugh and shake our heads about how i was
Hog-tied (yes, cuffed and somehow linked to my zip-tied ankles)
By the police and thrown head first into the cruiser
The laughter subsided a bit when i recounted barely getting the better
Of the thug given keys to my cell and sent to shank me

My wife had run one way and i the other
Hoping the cops would pursue me
And not her
It took her a while even with the evidence to spring me
Our neighbors and good friends did well to gain favor with other factions
Which wanted to see the elimination of the thugs we went after
It took a little time
No more shanking attempts luckily

Our illustrious bard and mentor uncle brought further attention (and protection?)
To the case when it became national news
And now some publishers are interested in some volumes that my associate
And i had each previously penned

Our friends and neighbors
Have opened an agency
The cases are coming in
They assure

Nobody laughed at my naming suggestions
We were all feeling pretty good by then
Something about Samson and Delilah
Bonnie and Clyde
Buttercup and Westley
Uncle H’s cutting of the cheese and bullshit
Righted the ship
And the laughter resumed

Uncle H is taking us all out to the track today
Food and drink on his dime
Says he hasn’t had this much fun in years

***

WHO IS CAPTAIN B?

Captain B. Seafarer. Lover of shore leave. Collector of heads. Disseminator of tales. Twitter: @NPeligeiro

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STOMPING PUDDLES

Oh, my highchair
Atop a stegosaurus
Tromping hard on Lego Land below

Leggo my disco
Hands off my metal
Fire blazing High On tonight

Ain’t smoked one with the Leper Keeper
For some moons
Almost let my extended hand fall to gravity
To exhaustion
Just when it wavered
Lost its level
Dipped below copasetic
And nearly brushed the floor
He cackled with all he had
And accepted the Toke

The Rain falls tonight
In drops
As big as puddles
But not sheets
No Wind
High humidity still
Gonna be wet for a while

The sound
Will induce Sleep
The rhythm
Will keep the Peace

***

WHO IS CAPTAIN B?

Captain B. Seafarer. Lover of shore leave. Collector of heads. Disseminator of tales. Twitter: @NPeligeiro

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Megadeth tough

Megadeth touch
On a Saturday morning
All for the sake
Of coming back to life
Even though
Killing is My Business
And Business is Good

They woke me up way too early
And to fumigate
I thought it was me
The biggest pest
When the super knocked on the door
I had to review the reel
Thought i’d behaved, just ate popcorn, didn’t even finish all the beer
What did i listen to? Danzig and Motörhead?
How was the volume?
My two-second review was accurate
I wasn’t in violation this time around
Been on a good streak
We both agreed
Let’s keep it that way

La doctora and i had a blowout
Or then, she had the emotional blowout
After seeing the first demonstration of behavior i’d warned her of
A week lost? Or a week gained?
Depends on how you look at it
Not sure we’ll be seeing her
‘Round these parts again

She won’t be going to Tamazulapan, the cabin, the river or the pools
With me and three others
All great friends
In not too long from now

Mentioned to G a graphic novel collaboration
Though we’d have to bring his sister in as artist
If we wanted to keep it in the family
Although my rock n roll protégé, Weslei, down in Curitiba
Is another viable candidate

The novel?
Beowulf versus Danzig
The first volume they fight to a draw
Which of course
Leads to the inevitable dynamic duo forming
All sorts of cameos from all ages
But when Danzig falls in love with Grendel’s mother
The future of the duo is put in jeopardy

***

WHO IS CAPTAIN B?

Captain B. Seafarer. Lover of shore leave. Collector of heads. Disseminator of tales. Twitter: @NPeligeiro

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When they learned i could conjure it

When they learned i could conjure it
They prowled around with interest
More than one night i sensed their presence
They remained in the shadows
Until i spoke

It has been some years now
I’ve received instruction
With what to do with it
My wife is no longer bothered
When i vibrate during sleep

She vibrates too
They removed
Or more so
Transformed
That which tormented her
That which ailed me

Soon she and i will leave
We’ve been cleared
To wander
And plant seeds

It will be work
But entertaining too
We’re eager to see new places
We will power up and receive
New benefit in our work
A trail of laughs
To replace tears

***

Sukh Nidhan

Sukh Nidhan
The giver of peace
Which i nearly discarded
And threw away
Thinking too much
And forgetting
What had been handed to me

The reprimand came down
From on high
The Order
Didn’t much appreciate
My having fled
The sanctum

With stern, reprimanding hands
Met by faces of the same
Grip firm on my shoulders
Eyes locked into mine
I was told discipline
Preceded nobility
To burn in the Scythian Fire
Required dedication
A steel will
Conformity to Law
Adherence to precepts
And full-time dedication

Only then
Could one be free

The one with the longest whiskers
Whispered or hummed
She needs to come along
On that dark night
To see

I shivered

Times are changing
It will soon accelerate
Other things aside from the obvious:
War, famine, flood, pestilence, pillage
Among the smoldering, out of the smoke
A new breed will emerge

I’ve fought my fate
I’ve run from it
Tried to escape it
Now i must embrace it
Now i must understand it

Hearing this
And my thoughts booming loud
The Captains of the Kapno
Smiled
Nothing like an ear to ear grin
But those taut lips
Those grave faces
Relaxed enough
To turn up the corners of the lips a bit
And let light through
To shine behind
Green eyes

***

WHO IS CAPTAIN B?

Captain B. Seafarer. Lover of shore leave. Collector of heads. Disseminator of tales. Twitter: @NPeligeiro

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Pinches Chinches

Pinches chinches
Or zancudos
Or whatever the hell
Drilled hard
And burrowed
Deep in my skin
The first few days
I’d thought little volcanoes
Would burst
New colonies
Of microscopic critters
To infest my life
And of those around me
I knew there had to be a remedy
(to this comedy)
Known of and implemented
Long before
Johnson & Johnson
Or Pfizer got in on it
Lime and salt
Been coated in it
The last few days
Those colonies in retreat
Tonight she’ll lick my arm
Or my neck
After each shot of tequila

***

High, healed

Why do women who wear high heels indoors
Always take the apartment above you?

Why does every interesting country road
Have a vicious dog to get past?

Why does every beer have a bottom?
Or student a snotty nose?

Why can’t i buy a ranch
Have my own vicious dogs
Well, only if a threat imposed upon me
Loyal
A horse, chickens, a goat or two
A fireplace of some sort
Lodging for my parents in retirement
And a place for Sunday barbecues
With family and friends?

Why did three-hundred female tortoises
Wash up dead and drowned on a shore
Where they’d meant to lay eggs?
No eggs were laid
Each tortoise could have laid between 70 and 100 eggs
Give or take, come on
That is a tragic day for the local turtle population

A caguama isn’t only a bottle of beer
It is another name for a tortoise
Yeah
Which came first
Not a question
We only care about next
And future populations
Of both of those species
All species…

I’ve found a diving school
Have to call for rates and times
A Robin Hood of the sea i shall be
I’ll cut turtles and dolphins from illegal nets
Take the tilapia and huachinango for me

***

WHO IS CAPTAIN B?

Captain B. Seafarer. Lover of shore leave. Collector of heads. Disseminator of tales. Twitter: @NPeligeiro

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