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50 (Probable) Celebrity Rumors

John F. Kennedy paid the hospital bill for Demi Moore’s birth as part of his annual tax payoff.
Martha Stewart is a trained sniper who believes wars are just government propaganda.
Judge Frank was hired to polish Kirk Douglas’ sword on the set of Spartacus.
James Stewart once dressed up as a fake monk to work one of the busiest corners in Dearborn, Michigan, selling porcelain dolls of Baby Jesus to unsuspecting parishioners.
Blade Runner composer Vangelis knows all thirty thousand verses in the Old Testament but cannot read music.
Christopher Walken once wrote a dissertation on jogging.
Cher’s mother used to work as a professional mourner in Billings, Montana.
Elvis was a natural blonde and Cobain was reported to have been born ‘suspiciously’ bald.
Reese Witherspoon is actually a Mensa and has an IQ of 145, having graduated high school at age thirteen.
Martin Luther King Jr. was a huge Star Trek fan.
Missy Elliott is rumored to hang locks of her fans’ hair on a clothesline to reminisce the good old days.
Trace Adkins once applied for a position in Backstreet Boys.
Steve Buscemi interned as a firefighter before succumbing to alcoholism and getting arrested for indecent exposure at age twenty-seven.
John Turturro was aspiring to be a funeral director before he met the love of his life at a rodeo bar in southern Connecticut.
Dr. Phil was once caught trying to smuggle plush dogs through an airport for what he called the anxiety treatment of “an extremely disturbed patient.”
Madonna uses a cucumber mask for her legs and once dyed her vulva pink after a truth or dare with Dennis Rodman.
Tim Gunn was famously asexual before finding his calling in Tibetan hug therapy.
Humphrey Bogart once invited a group of friends over for dinner to confess to being a thrice-relapsed cross-dresser.
Tilda Swinton was once mistaken for Thom Yorke on a train ride to Brussels.
Jonny Greenwood was kidnapped in Dagestan midway through his Asia tour and later dropped off in the middle of nowhere without ransom.
Macaulay Culkin collected used barbiturate bottles from his neighbors and sold them on eBay as a kid.
Andy Warhol was probably a eunuch and died a virgin.
Seth Rogen once wrote an Amy Winehouse fan-fiction that was never published.
Zac Efron was twice babysat by Morgan Freeman.
William Butler was kicked out of the Exeter Academy after he was caught stealing yachting magazines from the principal’s office.
In her last adult film, Paris Hilton asked to add an opening scene dedicated to the families of those who lost their lives on 9/11.
Angelina Jolie used to perform autopsies on dead squirrels she found in her backyard.
Helena Bonham-Carter and Winona Ryder are distant cousins.
Oprah’s name is actually Orpah.
As a kid, Mickey Rourke was convinced that he was an alien, claiming to have memories of being in a spaceship as a fetus.
Sting once saw a UFO in Leeds and was utterly unimpressed by its design.
Shirley Manson believes she can talk to ghosts, going as far to claim she once had sex with the spirit of a 19^th-century chimney sweeper.
Sean Penn is dyslexic and has spent the first thirty-five years of his life misspelling tartare as torture.
Will Smith was found ten pounds too overweight to play Neo in the original The Matrix.
Eddie Vedder has six toes on his left foot and one overgrown bladder.
Jennifer Lawrence has a baby chimpanzee allergy.
Channing Tatum is a disbarred yoga therapist in the state of Nebraska.
Conan O’Brien worked as a stripper for a nursing home as a side gig when he was still a sophomore at Yale.
Tobey Maguire hired a professional nipple-tweaker on the set of Spider-Man 2 to ensure his nipples are always perky and up to the task.
During the filming of Titanic, Kate Winslett hid snacks and tampons everywhere on set.
Katy Perry’s cat was named Kitty Purry.
Rami Malek has a twin brother called Sami.
Joaquin Phoenix used to perform at children’s birthday parties as Chokey the Clown.
Chris Hemsworth once gave directions to a burglar on how to find his way out of his house in the shortest way possible.
Tom Hiddleston helped a high-school friend to rob a bank in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
Jessica Chastain used to fantasize about hiring a hitman to off herself before her pastor talked her out of it and signed her up for Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Orson Welles was slated to play Baron Vladimir Harkonnen in David Lynch’s Dune after Kenneth McMillan fell out of favor for the role due to his troubles with the vice police.
Tesla had an insufferable foot fetish that could only be sated by electroshock therapy.
Albert Einstein was a closeted Adventist and was sent on a secret mission to the United States to convert traumatized war veterans to Christianity.
Elton John was the secret sixth member of The Beatles.

ABOUT THE ARTIST

Sarp Sozdinler has been published in Electric Literature, Kenyon Review, Masters Review, Vestal Review, Fractured Lit, Hobart, HAD, Maudlin House, and Trampset, among other journals. His stories have been selected for anthologies including the Pushcart Prize, Best Small Fictions, and Wigleaf Top 50. He’s currently working on his first novel in Philadelphia and Amsterdam.

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