THE INFLUENCE OF FIFTEEN ANXIETIES
With Apologies to Harold Bloom
One
I cut myself shaving this morning. It took a long time for the bleeding to stop.
I know it’s foolish, but for a moment, I thought I was going to bleed to death.
Two
Every time I approach that intersection with the four stop signs, I get anxious.
I know what to do. I worry that the other two or three drivers won’t, though.
Three
I usually don’t have a problem flying, but the last time I flew to San Francisco I had an anxiety attack. That’s why I asked my doctor for a prescription for Ativan.
Four
Last summer, a big tree next to the house came down during a severe thunder storm. It missed the house, but I still had two other trees cut down just in case.
Five
I like to sit outside to write. I like to drink a bourbon cocktail while I write. However, yellow jackets also like bourbon cocktails. I’ve been stung more than once over the years, so they make me a little nervous.
Six
A pair of barred owls have been nesting in the woods behind the house. Often I hear them calling to each other. I get very anxious when one fails to answer.
Seven
My daughter is a good driver. She’s never had an accident. Nevertheless, I worry when she goes to work. Especially if it’s raining or foggy. I tell her to take the Subaru Crosstrek. It has all-wheel drive and fog lights. I worry even more if she has to use that old Hyundai.
Eight
Going to the dentist used to make me anxious. It doesn’t anymore. I refuse the needle. The way I see it, a few minutes of pain is preferable to a few hours of numbness. And the pretty dental assistant thinks I’m really tough.
Nine
Although the economy is good and my portfolio is doing well, I’m still anxious about the markets. The experts on the radio predict a recession in the second or third quarter of 2020.
Ten
Power cutting tools make me nervous. When I go to a hardware store and see the circular saws and the chain saws, I sweat and my hands start to tremble.
Eleven
When I was a kid, and even a teenager, getting a shot was an ordeal. I was so anxious, I fainted. I fainted from polio shots. I fainted from measles shots. I fainted from flu shots. I fainted from penicillin shots. My mother must have been disappointed. She knew then and there I’d never be a doctor.
Twelve
Motorcycles scare me to death. I rode one once. I fell off. I wasn’t hurt because I was going about 15 miles per hour and fell on grass. Nevertheless, I’ll never get on one again. Not as long as I live. Like I said, those things scare me to death.
Thirteen
I used to enjoy bicycle riding. So much so that I purchased a $1200 state-of-the-art bike with a carbon fiber frame, disc brakes, and 20 speeds. It was great. I loved it. However, I was very apprehensive about riding it on the roads around here. A lot of people drove too fast. I was very nearly side-swiped a couple of times. I was so nervous about it, I donated it to charity.
Fourteen
I like hiking. We used to take hikes that lasted days. For example, on the Long Trail in Vermont. The woods of the northeast are black bear habitat. Because I was afraid of encountering a black bear, especially a mother with cubs, I would sing as I walked. My favorite song was “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” from Monty Python’s Life of Brian.
Fifteen
For several years, I sang with a chorus. It wasn’t professional, but they were good. Many members were trained singers and could sing on pitch, even when the conductor mixed up the sections during rehearsals. I was fine as long as I could hide in the middle of the bass section, but I was very apprehensive when it came to solos. I did manage to get through them but only with the help of bourbon just before the concert. If the altos smelled it on my breath, they never said.
ABOUT THE ARTIST
Nominated for the National Book Award, the Eric Hoffer Book Award, and nominated three times for the Pulitzer Prize, J.R. Solonche is the author of 40 books of poetry and coauthor of another. He lives in the Hudson Valley.
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