Children’s book excerpt: ‘GAFFE THE GIRAFFE’ by Dr. Mitchell M. Seuss

Our film reviewer Mitchell Kennedy has apparently decided to branch out into the field of children’s literature, perhaps pursuing in a tangential way his dream to become one of those six-foot singing, dancing, talking stuffed animals on children’s TV programming, a Barney. Yesterday when he was in the bathroom for one of his twenty-five-minute sessions we got into his studio and found it newly papered with creepy drawings he had made for a book called Gaffe the Giraffe: The Story of the Short-Necked Freak.

You can only imagine what images flitted through our nauseated brains as we read the words short-necked, and M. Seuss, and the toilet flushed for the sixth time.

Here is a brief excerpt.

Gaffe the Giraffe


by Dr. Mitchell M. Seuss

Above: Darkwing Dog as Gaffe the Giraffe. Mitch’s studio was literally covered in drawings and photos of a dog dressed as a short-necked artiodactyl.

Gaffe the Giraffe lived in the Peoria Zoo like a slave where they beat him and he had to eat his own feces.

This was sad, but he liked it.

He was also the ugliest giraffe in the world, his mother told him. His eyes were small and he had to wear glasses. His lips were the wrong shape. Most giraffes have pouty lips but Gaffe the Giraffe had thin, shrunken lips, like in the picture of him in this book.

But there was one thing that made Gaffe the Giraffe laugh.

It was his short, stubby neck! Now you may find that incredible, because most giraffes have long, elegant, arcing (arching) necks like Gaffe’s mother’s. The other giraffes laughed and made fun of Gaffe’s neck, but Gaffe the Giraffe knew he was put on this Earth for a purpose.

And that was when Santa Claus noticed Gaffe the Giraffe’s humorous, stubby neck, from his sleigh.

Ho ho ho, he sang, and…


Read more next time Mitchell has a serious bowel movement! Signing off, TGG.

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