The latest fashion fad to sweep the Midwest, the popular crossfit-esque Pushups With Daisy® workout program, may indeed make a clean sweep of Peoria, body and soul, according to local minister Rasbald Jenkins.
‘Pushups With Daisy would be better characterized as a cult of death than an exercise program,’ hissed the veteran Master of Divinity into a withering horizontal wind of sulphur and molten rock blowing from the new PWD Center on E. Patterson, a phallic-shaped dome constructed last October atop the old Kaskaskia burial grounds. ‘Mark my words, it is a harvest of souls.’
The controversial program claims to train not only bodies, but also souls, requiring participants to endure grueling overnight sessions in which they are pushed to the limits of physical and psychological endurance by extremely mean, hooded trainers draped in chains and wielding scythes.
‘We have had about twenty heart-related emergencies this week,’ confirmed a local physician named Chance, ‘eight resulting in death.’ When asked if that statistic wasn’t more an indication of the quality of healthcare in Illinois and lackluster emergency services, the son of a bitch hung up on us.
Hospital records confirmed that there have been 168 deaths in Peoria County this year attributed to heart failure, 75 of which have occurred within Peoria city limits, which basically puts us way behind schedule.
Perhaps tis nigh the season of the Reaper.
The Pushups With Daisy® Foundation Hotline, when called for comment, only produced a strange static buzz punctuated by agonized screams, so we hung up on THEM.