Category: Headlines
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YOU DON’T NECESSARILY NEED CHAMPAGNE TO TOAST THE CONQUEST OF A MINOR EUROPEAN NATION
If the nation is a fairly large one, however, champagne may indeed be expected.
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An open letter to God by Zoë Davis
The All-You-Can-Eat Supper Club Hosted by Nelson Mandela has been a personal highlight.
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Dangerous Dave by Simon Collinson
I used to love doing tricks. Go down them head first, run up the slide.
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THIS COURAGEOUS MAN WENT BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL AT THE AGE OF 56 AND WAS BULLIED LIKE IT WAS 1984
Unfortunately for Lenny, times have not changed all that much in forty years.
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YOU KNOW I LIKE MY GIRLS A LITTLE BIT OLDER
I just wanna use your love tonight. No, I don’t wanna lose your love tonight.
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You Can Take Away These Five Monuments to Deer Point’s Greatness When You Can Pry Them From Our Cold Dead Hands by Nathan Ellis
Known as The Shoveler, Deer Point librarian and bird watching enthusiast Leah Plimpton terrorized Deer Point from 1984 to 1993.
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It Was Called ‘SmokeNet’ by Mohammad Asgari
Scientists Discover Native Americans Had Social Media Thousands of Years Before Facebook — It Was Called ‘SmokeNet’
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Faux Chairs by Ken Long
We watched them for a few minutes to see if they would leave, but they just sat there talking.
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Smite, Armageddon, Ladies’ Underwear by Patrick Carella
Alien sociologists might have called the commuters what they were: pulses of shiny krill, tunneling soot-stained toward their hatcheries around the city.
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Highways Clogged with Traffic, City Council Moves to Purchase Giant Toilet Plunger
This morning, the streets were unclogged, and traffic flowed faster than it ever had before.
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I Think My Girlfriend May Occasionally Be Possessed by the Ghost of Pop Singer Michael Jackson by Nick Porisch
She doesn’t even know how to moonwalk so how could she have done that in the kitchen scaring the cat.
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BRUSH UP ON YOUR FRENCH: HOW DO YOU SAY ‘MAC N CHEESE’ IN PARIS?
Remember to always be polite to your waiter, s’il te plait!
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SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO. IT WASN’T HER FIRST RUSSIAN SA3 BUFFER-AND-SCREW, AFTER ALL
‘What you think, this be my first Rooshun SA3 buffer un screw?’
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STILL FRUSTRATED THAT YOU CAN’T SPEAK PET? 3 VICTORIAN LANGUAGE HACKS ONCE THOUGHT LOST TO HISTORY
Thousands of pet owners just like yourself report the same situation with their Pet as a Second Language (PSL).
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TruBqwa by Jon Wesick
Do not take TruBqwa if you are a trauma surgeon, commercial pilot, undertaker, or have access to nuclear launch codes.
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3 UNLIFELIKE CHRIST FIGURINES FOR YOUR ALREADY OVERCROWDED, GAUCHE MANTLEPIECE
Here are 3 statuette ideas to spice up your Christ on a shelf game!
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THE LIFE CONTEMPLATIVE: HOW CAN WE SLOWLY POISON BROTHER ETHERNAN TO DEATH THIS WINTER
Yes, my young friend, OF COURSE we were talking about poison. We do nothing BUT talk of poison in late summer.
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IT’S OFFICIAL: PEORIA TO BE RENAMED PEORIA EL PASO
The results of the July 4th Peoria or Peoria El Paso (Peoria Just Passin’ Thru) referendum.
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Bomber Death Planes Riding Shotgun in the Sky
How can we be sure that pets are dead, and not traveling?
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13 Possible Consequences for Your Friend Who Has Slept with Your Significant Other by Rich Pounder
Welcome to Bruising the Bull (BTB), the consultants who specialize in helping you get revenge on guys who have had sexual relations with the woman you love.
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‘CAN YOU SPOT THE TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THESE TWO IMAGES?’ by Ron Arbuckle
I scan my eyes carefully over the two not so dissimilar images. Left to right. Top to bottom. One corner to the other.
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THERE ARE MORE THAN 50 NEW FEARS REGISTERED EVERY SINGLE HOUR ON PHOBIAPEDIA. HERE ARE THE TOP 6 FEARS MOST LIKELY TO COME TRUE IN YOUR LIFETIME
The fear of dropping your phone into an open sewer: dropsmartophobia.
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MITCH’S LET’S JUMP THE TOP GUN! TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2026 IN JULY
Gorko Entertainment Editor Mitchell Kennedy sticks a fork in those months of moviegoing madness with his annual LET’S JUMP THE TOP GUN – Mitch’s top movie picks of the year, only halfway through the year!
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ACE THAT GROCERY CLERK INTERVIEW WITH THESE 5 TIPS
You know you have the skills, the expertise and the experience to be the best grocery clerk in Peoria, so get ready to ace the interview with these 5 easy tips.
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You Can’t Clean Everything by Adam Kaz
But there are cleanable spots all over the house I can attack.
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Glove Love by Simon Collinson
We were performing, ‘Wake me up before you go go’ with a shuttlecock shoved into my shorts.
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REPORT: SHE ATE THEIR MAYONNAISE THEN HOPPED A TRAIN FOR CHARLOTTE
The enigmatic, swashbuckling figure of Tonya Klippenberg-Vattenwasch III, one-time Romanian Robin Hood.
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POETRY SOCIETY TO HEAR SHORT POEMS READ
‘Any visiting writer may take part in the program,’ announced the Society’s pamphlet.
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Gorko Chef Rambo Bolillo: It is just as easy to cook for four as for one, but I did not, did I
Then there is The Rambo Zone in the fridge, clearly marked out with masking tape.
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When the Goo Goes: A Study in Post-Prostatic Sadness by Patrick Carella
This paper examines the psychosocial aftermath of ejaculatory cessation following prostate removal.
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PERFECT: BABY BEFRIENDING GOAT DEFIES LAWS OF GRAVITY
He was letting the popular five-month kid billy Socks nibble goat feed from his outstretched baby hand when the miracle happened.
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Book Excerpt: ‘Taffy Blonde: From Russia With A Makarov’ by Ian Mitchell
It is no mistake that Mitchell has been checking out stacks of Ian Fleming novels from the library under an assumed name.
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COUNT CHAUDES-AURILLAC IS COMING: HE WANTS THE MOVIE RIGHTS TO YOUR HISTORICAL NOVEL ‘THE CHAUDES AND THE AURILLACS’
THE NIGHTMARE HAS BECOME REALITY
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GIVE A MAN A MATTRESS AND HE WILL JUST GO TO SLEEP. 3 THINGS TO GIVE A MAN GUARANTEED TO SPICE UP YOUR LOVE LIFE
The gift of cash is not always the worst idea.
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Crud Magazine Website by Bill Tope
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