Category: Headlines
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GIVE A MAN A MATTRESS AND HE WILL JUST GO TO SLEEP. 3 THINGS TO GIVE A MAN GUARANTEED TO SPICE UP YOUR LOVE LIFE
The gift of cash is not always the worst idea.
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Crud Magazine Website by Bill Tope
Take your time and get to know the real Crud and, if you feel inspired, please read the following submission guidelines.
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ARE YOU A NATURAL VICTORIAN GENTLEMAN?
Do you frequently step around ragamuffins in the street, cursing them in Victorian English?
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO’S VEGAN RECIPE FOR WHISKEY ON THE ROCKS
Most of Rambo’s favorite things to eat and drink are absolutely within bounds.
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A Brief History of Transportation by Patrick Carella
We are approaching millennium. Observe the evolution of the human in the command pod—darker, more muscular—almost equine.
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A BOWL OF WORMS NEVER LOOKED SO MUCH LIKE SPAGHETTI BY LITTLE DAVID GREENER
‘This particular bowl of nightcrawlers probably looked more like spaghetti than any of my previous bowls of worms.’
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THE 2026 FIFA WORLD CUP: WHERE IT IS BEING PLAYED, HOW TO AVOID IT
At what cost to the local infrastructure will North America welcome back the sport that you play with your feet?
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO ASKED US FOR YOUR NUMBER — AND GOT IT
Gorko Chef Rambo Bolillo, dressed in his best turtleneck and sports jacket, got your number off our phone while we were in the bathroom.
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MARS ROVER SPIES SHIMMERING NYMPHS, THUNDER DEITY BETWEEN CLOUDS OF COTTON CANDY AND LOLLIPOP ELVES
The presence of the nymphs apparently had been concealed by the clouds of pink-orange cotton candy clouds common everywhere on the surface of the pink-orange planet.
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How this new abstract painting by Malatifa Orion challenges everything we thought we knew about cheeseburgers
Malatifa Orion sent her own mother a screen capture of their latest art and it was not even recognized as art.
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Squeeze by Simon Collinson
I seemed to be the only one in town who didn’t have a squeezy ball to squeeze.
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LOCAL RESTAURANT TO FEATURE ‘BAKE YOUR OWN LASAGNA™’
‘Ordinary people have no idea how labor-intensive and infuriating it is to cook for other people,’ Marco told The Gorko.
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UNCLE TOBY JUST GOT A TEXT MESSAGE FROM BARBARA AT HIS OFFICE
‘God look at him,’ local child Nadira told Gorko reporters from the back of her father’s bicycle. ‘He is acting like he already scored.’
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THIS IS A CAT WHO CAN MOVE OBJECTS SUCH AS BASKETBALLS WITH ITS SPECIAL COLLAR
Could Zunar-J-5/9 Doric-4-7 (or just Jake) in fact be an extraterrestrial with telekinetic powers?
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Kill Two Birds by Simon Collinson
The modern age demanded greater efficiency, more birds killed for your buck.
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO COOKS: SOUPS THAT TASTE LIKE SANDWICHES
Do you love sandwiches but hate taking the time between bites to actually chew them?
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WHOA IT IS EVEN BIGGER ON THE OTHER SCREEN, SAYS UNCLE TOBY, THIS IS AMAZING
‘Thank you for telling me about the internet.’
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REPORT: IF WE COULD JUST GET THESE PEOPLE RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES WE COULD MAKE OUR OWN GODZILLA MOVIE
People never seem to scurry and scream.
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THE 2026 WINTER OLYMPICS: HOW TO AVOID THEM
That did NOT stop the Subcomittee from submitting your name as Vice-Skip and Lead Brusher for the U.S. Olympic Curling Team.
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YOU LOVE IT WHEN HE DRIVES HIS REMOTE CONTROL MONSTER TRUCK OVER YOUR LEG AT THE BEACH: THIS IS HOW YOU MET
Not boats, planes, not Ferraris, just monster trucks.
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MULTIPLE WITNESSES ACCUSE UNCLE TOBY OF WALKING WITHOUT MOVING HIS ARMS
‘Why does he WALK like that,’ sneered Nadira.
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I HEART LAUDANUM
This Saint Valentine’s Day, why not kick back in the privacy of your own home with some tincture of laudanum.
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NOTES FROM MY PUEBLO: PAPER FOR LETTERS, SNUFF & MORE
Excerpts from Cosas de mi pueblo by Ermilo Abreu Gómez, tr. Colin Gee
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Never sleep under a moving ceiling fan
It is very hot where I live (it’s the jungle) and every morning I wake up completely drenched in perspiration.
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THE DREAM ISLAND WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. YOUR NAME IS CHAZ, RIGHT?
The three storey, 10-bedroom Beach Chalet is run by our personal majordomo Monseiur Pepe Bucksheafle and an army of maids.
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A MESSAGE FROM REAL NYT BESTSELLING AUTHOR SHELBY VON BOOT
On Bitterness, Clarity, and the Honesty of Holding Love Up to the Light in Lemon Luv
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LOCAL JOGGER LACKS A CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI
No, that wasn’t it. It was a…a…a certain je ne sais quoi.
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3 ICONIC FLOATING RESTAURANTS THAT JUST FLOATED AWAY
The ‘dining pucks’ also doubled as life preservers.
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SINCE WHEN HAS BROTHER ETHERNAN BEEN SPORTING THE CELTIC TONSURE, THE LITTLE TWAT
Hey guys have you seen what Brother Ethernan did to his stupid little pate
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EWWW: THIS PEORIA-AREA MAN SHAVED HIS LEFT PELVIS
‘The trouble for [Darren] is that he was definitely shaving his pelvis. Why was he doing that?’
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NOTES FROM MY PUEBLO
When a dandy pulled a double-cover pocket watch from his vest it was something to see.
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LITERARY CRITIC AND ASSHOLE DON MARKENBALDI JUST STARTED WATERING HIS PETUNIAS IN SANDALS AND SOCKS
The so-called literary critic has never taken back his remarks about ‘Gulliver Soles’.
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Are Citrus and Celeb Normal?
What Dustin Hoffman movies have you been watching recently, Randolph? I recently enjoyed watching Tootsie.
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GREAT MIDWESTERN TENNIS TOURNAMENT AND SLENDERMAN SIGHTING
The first Slenderman sighting was reported at the Great Midwestern Tennis Tournament in 2015 by a father of that year’s winner, Emery Nielson.
