Category: Headlines
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Local Man Finally Reads Terms and Conditions by Ben Macnair
‘I was going to skim it,’ he explained. ‘Then I noticed it was only 37 pages.’
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ARE YOU DEAD? TAKE OUR FREE QUIZ TO FIND OUT
Do the arrows come out or do you walk around like a human pincushion everywhere?
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IMPRESSIVE DANCE ROUTINE OVERSHADOWED BY MENTAL IMAGE OF THEM PRACTICING by Kolin Miller
The mental image of the group practicing together in their spare time kind of ruins it.
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WHAT ARE THEY TOUCHING IN THEIR FRONT POCKETS THIS YEAR?
What are they touching in their front pockets this year, as compared to last?
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WILL THERE BE SNACKS AT THE GROWN-UP PARTY OR JUST PEOPLE TALKING?
So they have invited you to another grown-up party.
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HEAVY METAL BAND RECRUITS BAGPIPE PLAYER IN BID TO BECOME ‘CONSIDERABLY MORE THREATENING’ by Ben Macnair
The band’s new member, 58-year-old former wedding musician Malcolm Fraser, will join the group immediately.
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CANDY BARS WITH RAZOR BLADES INSIDE RANKED BY JOHNSON STREET ADDRESS
The Van Burens only give kids generic candy like Smikkers and Kit-Kax.
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Toaster of the Month Club by Jon Wesick
Each month, the Toaster of the Month Club will deliver an assortment of boutique toasters directly to your door.
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WE ASKED 4 LOCAL K-12 TEACHERS FOR THE BASIC INGREDIENTS OF MEXICAN CHICKEN LIME SOUP. HERE ARE THEIR ANSWERS
‘I guess it has tortillas and water and some tequila in it, I mean it is Mexican.’
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PHOR!!! 10 GORKO-APPROVED APHORISMS FOR THE AGES
14. Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot is worth a thousand words
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The People vs Ricky Bernstein’s Playboy by Patrick Carella
The judge adjusted his seat on the cardboard box filled with ancient sports magazines.
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3 GROWN MEN YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO WOULD HAPPILY PLAY TEVYE IN A HIGH SCHOOL THEATRICAL ADAPTATION OF ‘FIDDLER ON THE ROOF’ IF IT MEANT THE DALLAS COWBOYS COULD WIN THE SUPER BOWL
Disturbing if true, a new survey by the Gorko True Facks Committee has brought to light new evidence.
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YOU DON’T NECESSARILY NEED CHAMPAGNE TO TOAST THE CONQUEST OF A MINOR EUROPEAN NATION
If the nation is a fairly large one, however, champagne may indeed be expected.
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An open letter to God by Zoë Davis
The All-You-Can-Eat Supper Club Hosted by Nelson Mandela has been a personal highlight.
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Dangerous Dave by Simon Collinson
I used to love doing tricks. Go down them head first, run up the slide.
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THIS COURAGEOUS MAN WENT BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL AT THE AGE OF 56 AND WAS BULLIED LIKE IT WAS 1984
Unfortunately for Lenny, times have not changed all that much in forty years.
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YOU KNOW I LIKE MY GIRLS A LITTLE BIT OLDER
I just wanna use your love tonight. No, I don’t wanna lose your love tonight.
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You Can Take Away These Five Monuments to Deer Point’s Greatness When You Can Pry Them From Our Cold Dead Hands by Nathan Ellis
Known as The Shoveler, Deer Point librarian and bird watching enthusiast Leah Plimpton terrorized Deer Point from 1984 to 1993.
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It Was Called ‘SmokeNet’ by Mohammad Asgari
Scientists Discover Native Americans Had Social Media Thousands of Years Before Facebook — It Was Called ‘SmokeNet’
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Faux Chairs by Ken Long
We watched them for a few minutes to see if they would leave, but they just sat there talking.
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Smite, Armageddon, Ladies’ Underwear by Patrick Carella
Alien sociologists might have called the commuters what they were: pulses of shiny krill, tunneling soot-stained toward their hatcheries around the city.
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Highways Clogged with Traffic, City Council Moves to Purchase Giant Toilet Plunger
This morning, the streets were unclogged, and traffic flowed faster than it ever had before.
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I Think My Girlfriend May Occasionally Be Possessed by the Ghost of Pop Singer Michael Jackson by Nick Porisch
She doesn’t even know how to moonwalk so how could she have done that in the kitchen scaring the cat.
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BRUSH UP ON YOUR FRENCH: HOW DO YOU SAY ‘MAC N CHEESE’ IN PARIS?
Remember to always be polite to your waiter, s’il te plait!
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SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO. IT WASN’T HER FIRST RUSSIAN SA3 BUFFER-AND-SCREW, AFTER ALL
‘What you think, this be my first Rooshun SA3 buffer un screw?’
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STILL FRUSTRATED THAT YOU CAN’T SPEAK PET? 3 VICTORIAN LANGUAGE HACKS ONCE THOUGHT LOST TO HISTORY
Thousands of pet owners just like yourself report the same situation with their Pet as a Second Language (PSL).
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TruBqwa by Jon Wesick
Do not take TruBqwa if you are a trauma surgeon, commercial pilot, undertaker, or have access to nuclear launch codes.
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3 UNLIFELIKE CHRIST FIGURINES FOR YOUR ALREADY OVERCROWDED, GAUCHE MANTLEPIECE
Here are 3 statuette ideas to spice up your Christ on a shelf game!
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THE LIFE CONTEMPLATIVE: HOW CAN WE SLOWLY POISON BROTHER ETHERNAN TO DEATH THIS WINTER
Yes, my young friend, OF COURSE we were talking about poison. We do nothing BUT talk of poison in late summer.
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IT’S OFFICIAL: PEORIA TO BE RENAMED PEORIA EL PASO
The results of the July 4th Peoria or Peoria El Paso (Peoria Just Passin’ Thru) referendum.
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Bomber Death Planes Riding Shotgun in the Sky
How can we be sure that pets are dead, and not traveling?
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13 Possible Consequences for Your Friend Who Has Slept with Your Significant Other by Rich Pounder
Welcome to Bruising the Bull (BTB), the consultants who specialize in helping you get revenge on guys who have had sexual relations with the woman you love.
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‘CAN YOU SPOT THE TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THESE TWO IMAGES?’ by Ron Arbuckle
I scan my eyes carefully over the two not so dissimilar images. Left to right. Top to bottom. One corner to the other.
