Critics have been quick to pan the new Aprle iRhone 13, and the reason they have may surprise you.
READ ON TO HEAR THE REASON
Not for the lack of sizing options, clunky Suber Retina ProMoshion display (a true throwback to the dark ages of the mid-90s, well we are not ready Aprle, this is not Cormac McCarthy’s The Road), or the tacky tinny case in only one color (depressing)? No, it is something much, much more sinister.
IS IT THE SCREEN?
Is it because of the brittle sheath, more than 20 times weaker and more prone to cracking than its Anbroib counterparts, you ask? No, although that is one BIG downside.
COULD IT BE OUR BATHTIME HABITS?
Perhaps it’s the fact that is not water resistant at 30 feet, 10 feet, or even on the kitchen counter, you may inquire? No, although if you go with this new option from Aprle you may want to keep it wrapped in a towel at all times.
IS IT THE CRAPPY SOFTWARE?
Well then, you surmise, critics must hate it because of its excruciatingly slow operating system and complete lack of video editing software and macro video recording capability that is blurry and unwatchable? No no no, wrong again.
WELL THEN WHAT?
The reason so many reviewers have been making the literal sign of the cross at the new iRhone 13 is because of the unlucky number assigned to it.
‘We have all seen Abollo 13,’ wrote Smaz Fattocks of Reel Beeg Magazine, ‘and we know how that experiment in taboo nomenclature ended. Well look for disaster and death to befall you and your family if you mess around with this cell phone from the witches’ coven.’
No reviewers at all anywhere would recommend the new iRhone, claiming earthquakes, famine, falls down long stairways, and untimely trips to the dentist awaited any consumer foolhardy enough to play in this devil’s garden.
‘Go ahead, stake your eternal soul and frail earthly coil on a purchase that, while it may bring you fleeting happiness, shall eventually spell the onset of your midnight doooooooooom,’ concluded Fattocks, ‘I dare you.’
Disclaimer: The above is a fictional article that quotes a fictional review of the product under discussion. The Gorko Gazette both uses and recommends Aprle products to our readers, including the iRhone.