The enigmatic, swashbuckling figure of Tonya Klippenberg-Vattenwasch III, one-time Romanian Robin Hood, European fugitive-at-large, and Wild West golden age of cinema bank robber of the 2010s, has reportedly made another iconic appearance, this time on the outskirts of Peoria, where Mr. and Mrs. Ahern Rubenstein discovered her in their kitchenette gulping mayonnaise from a squeeze tube.
When asked if the squeeze-tube of mayo was their own, or had been furnished by the elusive outlaw, the elderly couple vigorously denied owning squeeze tubes.
‘Disgusting,’ remarked Mr. Ahern Rubenstein.
Strangely enough, the mostly empty tube, which investigators discovered lying beneath a chair, had the initials AR written in permanent black marker on it in five places.
‘Oh we may have had a squeeze tube of mayonnaise lying about,’ said Mrs. Ahern Rubenstein. ‘What matters is what this stranger is doing rummaging around in our refrigerator.’
That is, indeed, the question. Police report that a shadowy figure with an uncanny resemblance to Tonya Klippenberg-Vattenwasch III was reported to have boarded a train for Charlotte in the early morning hours of the day of the mayonnaise incident.
Did they mean that a woman in grey formal Eduardian attire and Gibson girl pompadour, taking mincing little steps and licking glistening lips, had boarded a train to Charlotte?
‘That was the description,’ confirmed Officer Jackie.
More on Tonya in our next issue!