Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme is Getting One Up On The Joneses.
We’ve all seen them next door in their brand new Keds, John Deere zero-turn riding lawn mower, BMWs, wireless devices for jogging, or latest blond child: that’s right, it’s the Joneses again, being ostentatious not so much with their ridiculously large double income as with their good taste and shopping savvy again. Well you can stop feeling crushed and small, because this week’s theme is all about Getting One Up On The Joneses.
(NOTA BENE not to be confused with the Exacting Total Revenge On Motherless Son Of A B**** Book Critic Named Don Markenbaldi theme.)
There are plenty of ways people have of Getting One Up On The Joneses, but the truth is that most of these, such as any attempts to outbuy or outshop the Joneses, are extremely short-lived (the Joneses will just go shopping again in the afternoon) and could even be construed as petty.
The biggest problem is that you simply do not have the buying power of the typical Joneses, with your public school teacher or non-executive secretary’s salary, and the divorce looming. So what we need to Get One Up On The Joneses are tactics for DEFUSING the Joneses’ display of neverending opulence and DISTRACTING the neighbors with equally impressive displays of a completely different kind.
The following acrostic basically sums up this week’s theme:
Nod to them
Ticklish in bed
Dead heat PANTOMIME
Or to be honest
Ricky PICK A CHEESE PIE
Is SUBSTANTIAL DONG
Which is to say, DIDN’T MID OR IS.
DIDN’T buy a new car but we parked ours right in front of your house, Joneses, blocking the driveway so you had to come over and ask us to move it and then you were late to your blonde daughter’s soccer practice, eat it.
MID movie we DID enjoy this fabulous fireworks display, sorry if you didn’t like the new Dune movie Joneses.
OR you did not understand a word of it because we hacked your Netflex and now your default and only language setting is Swahili, Joneses. YOU DON’T SPEAK SWAHILI DO YOU.
IS a block party on our lawn with coolers of pop and you are not invited, Joneses. Get your own friends!
Hopefully now you can see how easy it is to Get One Up On The Joneses by thoughtfully applying the right strategies and, above all, by being a terrible neighbor.
Join Teddy every week as he goes stalking the internet in search of new Themes.