It is the age-old question: is his remarkably strange, stiff behavior due to the fact that he has finally had enough of this dumb, manipulative relationship and is on the verge of dumping you, or does he simply need to take a big shit?
Here is your definitive guide.
HE IS WEARING A FROWNY FACE
This is almost always a sign that he needs to take a dump. Back off a little, give him some room, maybe go take a walk for about forty minutes, because this is going to be a gigantic shit.
HE SAYS, ‘I DON’T THINK I LOVE YOU ANYMORE’
This is another classic sign of a man who is about to experience a truly fantastic bowel movement. Smile and move on. Maybe take a bike ride or something. Things will be better when you get back, if you give him enough time.
YOU DISCOVER NUDES OF OTHER WOMEN ON HIS PHONE
Many, many women complain of finding nudes attached to long, explicit text conversations he has been having with other women in the same city, many of them women he has known since high school and ex-girlfriends he never really got over, but there is no need to panic: this is just another sign that he needs to take a huge dump. That dump is turtling, so maybe just go to your mom’s for the afternoon.
HE IS TAKING A BIG DUMP
This is almost certainly a sign that he needs to take a dump. No, he is not dumping you. He simply needs to get that poop out. Take a drive around the block. Turn the music up loud. Let him air out the bathroom before you confront him. And you will probably find after about an hour and a half that the air has cleared between you.
Never, ever give up!