Many people find that going to church for the first time can be the exact opposite of the meditational, therapeutic experience they were expecting. They find the layout of the seating confusing, the sensory hammer of CCM music, perfume and unidentified babble of foreign languages overwhelming, and the pervading cheerfulness and constant grinning suspicious as fuck.
Here is The Gorko‘s guide to making a seamless transition into the body of Christ: basically where to sit and what to wear to give you a chance to evaluate the freaks that surround you.
WHERE TO SIT
Definitely sit near an exit. While many lay pastors and elders will attempt to physically block you from leaving the tabernacle during the service, closing on you like the teeth of a piranha, it is perfectly acceptable to make a bolt for it after the closing prayer or hymn.
WHAT TO WEAR
Women: dress your sluttiest with short, short hems and low, low necklines. No one will even try to talk to you.
Men: biker gear, preferably baptised in motorcycle fluids, shit, and sundry filth. Sneak frequent swigs from a hip flask or canteen. We guarantee you won’t be leaving church with a bunch of new friends.
WHAT TO SAY
Phrases frequently heard around church: Glory, Alleluia, Halleluiah, Alleluiah, God/Lord willing, Praise Jesús, Praise Paco, In the fullness of time, Just soaking nothing serious, My DH (Dear Husband), Non-CK (Carnal Knowledge), At the Christ-centered singles meeting I said to her well, Tic-Toc videos that have blessed me, God’s justice always prevails, Is possessed by a spirit, Sinful thoughts or else just, Pray for her but she, Fuckety fuckety fuckety what, Just a cult you know, True religion, Beautiful heterosexual man, Pagan false gods, Demons led her to it, Convert them from their sinful ways, Carry each other’s burdens, Restitution and the Jewish people, Unsaved family members [blah blah blah] Toby, Satan’s devils attacked me again, The root of all evil, Wisdom to do what is right, Are tattoos evil, Adulterers and how to meet them, Purity talk tonight.
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