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When Mother first told me about Matt Reeves’ new foray into the DC Comics version of Batman, The Batboy, I admit I threw my tuna casserole at the wall, plate and all. I hate it when she finds out about upcoming theatrical releases before I do, but it makes sense, she is a Hollywood producer whose string of luck dates back to 2008’s A Pole For Polly.

Yes, Mother has her ear pretty close to the ground in wide-release movie circles.

What really surprised me about the new Batboy, however (I ran out of the house immediately and found a screening of the new movie, a clunker called ingeniously Twilight 6: The Batboy, which I took in along with a large buttered popcorn and medium 7-Up), was how this character never brushes his hair or teeth and likes to pick gunk from between his toes and flick boogers across the floor. This should come as no surprise to a production that chose a child like Robert Pattinson to be their nightriding vigilante. However I understand the difficulty in recasting and rebranding The Twilight series at this point. Pattinson is their vampire man, or should I say vamp boy.

The story itself is very long, clocking in at a Titanickesque 2 hours 58 minutes, so that I was literally squirming in my chair after the medium-sized soft drink. This movie could not end fast enough! As far as they would tell us, Vampboy is not a good person, smells to high heaven, and can’t even fly, for crying out loud. He has to use fake mechanical wings and other toys to swoop around town and get his blood, without which he shall surely die. Despite this the wings do give Pattinson a distinct and manly advantage, as he speaks in a low brogue to the lady vampires and criminal element.

@Todd grew quite squirmy after the popcorn ran out and it was all I could do to keep him from being discovered in his little trenchcoat and shades (no pets allowed in Fairbank Square Theater). All in all we were both glad to get out of there and use the bathroom at last, though the film was sufficiently creepy to keep us looking over our shoulders in the men’s room, and we definitely took a lot less time than usual in there!