You know what they say, what you may or may not know about the atomic winter will probably bite your nuts off. That is why The Gorko has been closely following Peoria local Jeff ‘JeffDawg’ Schwartz as he has consolidated support and funding for his revamped, 12-person fallout shelter on Roby Road.
Key word: 12.
There are approximately 10,000 times more people than that living in Peoria as we speak, on the practical verge of World War 3. JeffDog’s fallout shelter has a floorplan of 2,000 square feet and boasts self-contained electricity generation, water filtration, and titanium walls thick enough to withstand a direct strike from a 500-kiloton nuclear warhead, so here are the most important things to know about JeffDog’s Bunker 61528, as he has called it.
JEFF IS A RAVING LUNATIC BUT THERE IS A MOVIE THEATER
Make your place to the bunker queue well-armed, because rumor has it that there are not enough canned beans to go around. Don’t let that kill you of radiation sickness or excruciating burn trauma, however: there is also a 6-seat movie theater and enough popcorn and butter product for more than 365 screenings, or 1 per day for the first year underground.
IT IS BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND BUT THERE IS LOTS OF AMMO
Bunker 61528 was originally a much more modest post-WWII shelter built imprudently on the site of ancient Piankashaw burial mounds by Jellyfish Anger Manfred II in violation of tribal and local laws, so there are vengeaful spirits wandering the steel halls. JeffDog has the answer to this one, however, in the Bunker Armory, stocked with rifles, shotguns, pistols, flack jackets, flares, hand grenades, and enough ammo to, as he jokingly likes to say, ‘wait out the World War 4 apocalypse.’
THE TOILETS FLUSH ONLY ONCE A WEEK BUT YOU WILL BE ON HALF RATIONS
Disposing of the human waste will be problematic, which is why the lucky 120 will be restricted to half rations, hopefully limiting the really heavy dumps.
Whether you make it into JeffDog’s shelter or are incinerated on the outside, you are going to need all the help you can get. We hope this definitive guide will help.