New to the bleak January dating scene in central Illinois? Not sure how to stay warm AND stay attractive to potential soulmates between February and late June? No need to fear, The Gorko has your definitive guide to thermal underwear for singles in Midwest cow towns.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
More and more Midwestern singles are disposing of the frill-and-lace styles popular with their grandparents and returning to zero-zipper, button-up models like the Z-3140 or the KC-90.
LESS IS MORE
Never wear more than three pairs of long underwear at the same time. Spontaneous combustion is real, folks.
COLOR WHAT COLOR
Nothing says ‘I am desperate for a bit of attention from a stranger’ like hot pink or flaming red long johns. Stick to the proven formula: cream or navy blue, please honey, and black for those special occasions.
RINSE IN COLD WATER
You did not put on forty pounds over the holidays! But you did accidentally send your precious full-body skivvies through the hot cycle in the wash. Good luck getting through a coffee date with these suckers wrapped around your nards.
Whatever your problem is, always remember to button up, and good luck out there.