National health agencies have reported plans to use facial recognition, the technology that confirms a person’s identity based on their facial details, to determine whether you are good-looking enough to fully reintegrate into society in the new normal, or had better just keep that ugly sack on.
‘It is crucial at a time like this that we not lose this vast and dynamic opportunity to discriminate based on a subjective assessment of good looks,’ CDC spokesperson Alaya Manilla Bean told Gorko reporters Tuesday, agreeing to comment on the developing situation after accepting a bribe of two pepperoni and black olive pizzas. When asked who would be judging the good looks, Alaya replied, ‘AI of course.’
So who exactly will be forced to keep their ugly sacks on? Apparently the new technology will work on a 1 to 10 scale that is similar to the one employed at fraternity parties and sports bars. The algorithm will be largely informed by recent feature films out of Hollywood, and television and internet advertising. Tits ass pecs and package will not be assessed, as the technology is limited to the face.
‘This is an exciting time to be alive if you are not, as they say, a two-bagger,’ the spokesperson, already mask-off, concluded.