by Lizette Roman-Johnston
As a serious journalist and proud policer of syntax, I cannot sit idly by while emails from corporations keep flowing into my inbox, mislabeling these times as anything other than undoubtedly fucked. That is why, on top of writing this article, I have also been replying to every single promotional email I receive that uses this idiotic phrase. Most of them — from the likes of CVS, Zappos, Pornhub, etc. — say ‘do not reply.’ But it’s the principle of the thing.
I don’t copy and paste the same message in every email, because I don’t consider myself a lazy writer. But each email has a similar gist. Something like:
Dear Idiot,
In case you don’t have a calendar, we are in our third year of this goddamn pandemic. If you’re still thinking ‘Golly, I wonder if things will be back to normal anytime soon?’ then I’m not sure how in the hell you have survived the last few years let alone got hired as a copywriter for [company name]. Take a long, hard look at yourself and accept that you, like all of us, are fucked. There is nothing uncertain about this. You’re just kidding yourself., and it’s fucking pathetic.
Best wishes.
I give all readers permission to use this message in their own replies to marketing emails. If you want to credit me, that’s cool, but this isn’t about me. I’m just trying to make a difference.
Photo by Campaign Creators on Unsplash
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lizette Roman-Johnston is a bicoastal bisexual currently living in Oakland, California. A 2021 graduate of the Saint Mary’s College MFA program, Lizette writes satire and creative nonfiction (Harry Styles often appears in both). Lizette’s writing has been published in The Daily Drunk, The Sad Girl Review, Rejection Letters, and others. She is also a synth-loving bedroom pop musician under the name rizbot.
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