Starting in 2022 Major League Baseball has started allowing umpires to speak in defense of their questionable, often baffling calls on the field. For the first time fans can hear what these grumpy, contrarian despots actually sound like, and the results have been terrifying.
‘No, umpires are not generally known for their nice, soothing voices,’ admitted one MLB spokesperson, speaking using words. ‘Of course most umpires prefer to shout and grunt all the time, so using actual words has been quite a challenge for a lot of old-timers.’
The Gorko was baffled to learn that batters and pitchers are still not allowed to talk about balls and strikes with these demigods of the diamond.
‘Yo ouddaheeya, he told me,’ reported one batter who attempted to strike up a conversation about the impossible low outside strike called starting in the fifth by long-time MLB ump Charlie Muckrakker. When asked what that meant, the batter just shook his head and left the game.