In an attempt to improve her street-register Spanish, hoping to inject her A1-level vocabulary with a robust array of synonyms for amor, yo ir contigo, and cerveza, Sheila F. enrolled in the brand new mastercourse Telenovela Spanish led by celebrity ex-soap opera star and dancer Lupita Griselda López Beatriz, but was badly disappointed.

Read the complete interview with second-language learner and Peoria AREA TECHNICAL SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR Sheila F. below.

TGG: How long have you been learning Spanish, Sheila F.?

SF: Ever since high school I have been interested in exploring [the beaches, all-inclusives, and Mister Frogs of] other cultures. We went to Acapulco on spring break and when I realized I didn’t even know how to say oo-nuh mass per fuh ver I knew I had to study their language they have.

TGG: What does oo-nuh mass per fuh ver mean?

SF: It means bring me another except they never say it in English, is why they speak Spanish.

TGG: Very useful. What do you think is the main obstacle to fluency in a foreign language?

SF: I would say the special words.

TGG: The slang. The jive.

SF: There ya go. They never just say ho-la mee-oh nom-bray es, no way José, they have to say something fancy and different.

TGG: That is because they are making fun of you.

SF: No no no, you don’t get it. I talk to everyone when I am in Mexico and we get along fine, see-nyor.

TGG: So tell us about Telenovela Spanish. Frankly we were surprised to learn you disliked it. It has gotten great reviews. What was it you really hated about the course?

SF: Oh don’t even get me started on that garbage. It was all about divorcio this, divorcio that, which means divorce, as you would expect. There was a lot of talk about amor, which was a word I already knew, and a lot of trashun, which is betrayal or how they say to cheat, and then a lot of smooching.

TGG: How was Lupita Griselda as a teacher?

SF: That skank? You mean the main one, right? Don’t get me started. For starters all the bangles and makeup and gaudy clothes, like it was Easter already.

TGG: So you don’t think Quiero un divorcio would ever be a useful phrase for you?

SF: Well Randy doesn’t speak Spanish.

TGG: I see. Anyway, your pie is getting cold. That will be $18.76.

SF: Hey I didn’t order onion.

TGG: That’s what the order says.

SF: Take it back. I don’t eat see-bola, writer boy.

Photo by Edward Cisneros on Unsplash