You will never have a cute, frolicking little puppy-sized dog. It just doesn’t work that way. Here is The Gorko Gazette‘s 2022 list of all the other things you want but can’t have.
1. GOOD INTERNET
Forget it, Jack, you won’t even be able to load basic jpegs in 2022.
2. NICE SALADS
Iceberg lettuce, mealy tomatoes, and wedges of soft carrot for you, buster. For dressing you get 3-year-old ranch out of a bottle with the crusty bits from around the opening.
3. GAS MILEAGE
Best not even look at the odometer, pal.
4. STEAMING HOT DELICIOUS FAIR TRADE COFFEE
Your can of industrial coffee was ground out of the sweat and tears of migrant slave laborers.
5. THAT BIT PART IN ‘JAWS 8’
All you had to do was walk across the pier, look into the green screen, and say, ‘We’re going to need a bigger dock.’ Well that part has been given to Toby.
6. PERFECT TOENAILS
You are going to need a bigger podiatrist.
7. A MEANINGFUL JOB/LIFE
Sorry, Jack, this is just not your year.
8. RIGHTEOUS, HOLY LIVING
Not only is your life a mess, you are going straight to hell.
9. WHITE STRAIGHT TEETH
Keep your mouth closed is all the advice you’ll get from us.
Your sheep are going to wander off because someone left the barn door open. You will lose your sheep this year, buster. Good luck with all the rest of it.