THIS DOG AND 10 OTHER THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HAVE

You will never have a cute, frolicking little puppy-sized dog. It just doesn’t work that way. Here is The Gorko Gazette‘s 2022 list of all the other things you want but can’t have.

1. GOOD INTERNET

Forget it, Jack, you won’t even be able to load basic jpegs in 2022.

2. NICE SALADS

Iceberg lettuce, mealy tomatoes, and wedges of soft carrot for you, buster. For dressing you get 3-year-old ranch out of a bottle with the crusty bits from around the opening.

3. GAS MILEAGE

Best not even look at the odometer, pal.

4. STEAMING HOT DELICIOUS FAIR TRADE COFFEE

Your can of industrial coffee was ground out of the sweat and tears of migrant slave laborers.

5. THAT BIT PART IN ‘JAWS 8’

All you had to do was walk across the pier, look into the green screen, and say, ‘We’re going to need a bigger dock.’ Well that part has been given to Toby.

6. PERFECT TOENAILS

You are going to need a bigger podiatrist.

7. A MEANINGFUL JOB/LIFE

Sorry, Jack, this is just not your year.

8. RIGHTEOUS, HOLY LIVING

Not only is your life a mess, you are going straight to hell.

9. WHITE STRAIGHT TEETH

Keep your mouth closed is all the advice you’ll get from us.

10. SHEEP

Your sheep are going to wander off because someone left the barn door open. You will lose your sheep this year, buster. Good luck with all the rest of it.

Photo by Joe Caione on Unsplash