When you find yourself inside the chicken coop, and I am sure we have all been there, on the wrong side of a latch you can’t work because you don’t have opposable thumbs, it may be time to ask yourself if you are actually a chicken.
TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL
Even though you probably just want to squawk like crazy, remember the four magic words: do not panic birdbrain. You are not the only or first person to experience an existential crisis like this, and if you are indeed a chicken (sounds like you are, to be honest) there are lots of people like you, more in fact than human beings, so stay calm and call the Am I Just Poultry Hotline: 1-800-555-HENZ.
SEE IF ANY EGGS COME OUT OF YOUR BUTT
Oops, you probably don’t have access to a telephone if you are a chicken, but do not panic birdbrain. If you are really a hen you will probably start laying eggs within several hours, and by eggs we do not mean raunchy wheezy farts. If chicken eggs start coming out of your pooper then there is no way to candycoat this, you are probably a chicken.
ROOSTERS DON’T LAY EGGS
If no eggs come out of your butt for a day or so, don’t sell the farm, Cheepie, you may still be a chicken of a different sort, a male chicken called a rooster. Are you an arrogant prick who tries to screw random women in the street, pinning them against posts and buildings with your wings and talons while shrieking like an imbecile? Do you often have waking wet dreams and spray your sperm onto everything? Do you eat your own babies? If any of those things are true, you might be a literal cock.