I COULDN’T DO IT, ‘CANTIBAL’ CONFESSES
Peoria-area ‘cantibal’ reports being the victim of bullying by actual local cannibals because [the ‘cantibal’ in question] can’t stand the taste of human flesh.
‘I used to eat people all the time, no problem, but then one day this spring it was like a switch was flipped, and people started to repulse me,’ the ‘cantibal’ Relusa Minipus told Gorko reporters while paying for their medium veggie-lovers pizza. They said, ‘I mean, days gone by, the pizza boy wouldn’t have stood a chance.’
Relusa’s cannibal friends began taunting them from the trailer out back where they squatted, asking them if they was a cannibal or a ‘cantible’, and encouraging them to dismember the pizza boy and eat his brain.
‘The ‘cantible’ nickname stuck at our Fourth of July picnic when I choked on the shinbone of a baby, you know normally babies go down so smooth, no need for sauce or anything, and puked most of her back up,’ Relusa sighed. ‘I knew I would never live down that stupid baby.’
Photo by Nico Melgarejo on Unsplash
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
‘NOT TIME FOR PANIC YET’ BUT SUPERMOON IS DEFINITELY GETTING BIGGER EVERY TIME
MISTER BANANA WOULD ONLY LET ONE MAN THROW HIM LIKE AN AMERICAN FOOTBALL
‘how we know we’re dead’ and 2 more by Allen Seward
OMG SOMEONE STUFFED ME INTO THIS CAR LIKE I WAS A BARBIE
MISTER BANANA FACES A DIFFICULT DECISION REGARDING GOOD BOY
