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by thegorkogazette

3 NIGHTMARE PAGODA-SHAPED RESTAURANTS AND HOW TO FIND THE SECRET REAR STAIRS

Likely you’ve been trapped there before, and there is a very real possibility you will find yourself trapped there again: here are 3 nightmare pagoda-shaped restaurants you will no doubt recognize, except this time, we know how to find the secret rear stairs!

MICKY CHIN’S CHINA CHIN

This nightmare pagoda-shaped restaurant features five floors, each with a distinct regional Chinese cuisine and no clear way to escape once you get inside.

THE CLUE: There are two women’s restrooms on the third floor.

THE SECRET STAIRS: Enter the corridor to the false (lefthand) women’s restroom. Feel your way along the righthand wall. You will encounter a wood panel-camouflaged switch. It feels like a light switch. Flick it. A panel will open in the wall and you will have exactly 0.3 seconds to get through it. This is slightly more than a jiffy. An alarm will sound but once you get through the back garden you will be on Thompson Avenue again and safe from capture.

THE CAVEAT: The sliding panel, which opens vertically, is also sharpened at the bottom like a guillotine. Some customers lose shoulders, knees, toes, hair, kids, or entire heads by not having catlike reflexes.

JAPAN JOE’S JOCKEY SALOON

Japan Joe’s is one of Peoria’s longest-established fine dining experiences, boasting sushi counters on seven floors in a (you guessed it) pagoda-shaped floorplan.

THE CLUE: On the seventh storey the sushi chefs are not even close to being Japanese, or chefs.

THE SECRET STAIRS: Vault over the southeast counter, being careful not to slice or impale yourselves on any of the extremely sharp knives there. The fake sushi chefs WILL give chase, but simply dodge down the first flight of stairs and close the door riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight behind you. It locks from the inside, allowing successful escapees to just saunter out the back.

THE CAVEAT: If the door at the first landing happens to be closed, you will end up with a knife in your back.

PAGODA PARADISE

This nightmare pagoda-shaped restaurant is in fact nearly impossible to escape from, since as soon as you reach the top floor it begins to fold in on itself and roll.

THE CLUE: Everyone in the restaurant is looking at the floor when you enter.

THE SECRET STAIRS: The secret stairs are in fact located in the basement, NOT on any of the other, more tempting floors. Head immediately for the door marked DUNGEON NO ENTRY, ignoring the taunts and calls from the other diners, get through it, and jump straight ahead into total darkness. Trust us on this. You will land in a soft, loamy garden from which you will see the street exit clearly marked.

THE CAVEAT: A customer jumping a foot to the left or right will find themselves impaled on stakes in one of the thirty-foot pits. That will be the end for them.

Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

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