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FROM THE GORKO BIGFOOT SPECIAL

The legends of Sasquatch as known to the First Nations of North America have long focused on the eponymous large feet of the elusive apeman, but an astonishing new report by the Bigfoot Information by Gorko (B.I.G.) committee presents evidence that the Bigfoot may not have naturally large feet, but is more likely simply suffering from a complex form of arthritis known as the gout, that has swollen their feet to their outrageous size.

‘The Bigfoot prints we have studied show typical symptoms of the gout, plain and clear,’ explained B.I.G. spokesperson Yetiboots Lufimisan, from her stilts, ‘the distended yet light imprint of the big toe, abnormally splayed smaller digits, deep imprint of the non-arch side of the bigfoot, all indicate a favored side, most likely due to a swollen ankle, heel, and big toe.’

They said, ‘Before the gout the Bigfoot probably had in fact a smaller than average shoe size, say a U.S. 5 and a half or 6. In fact what we are looking at here is not a Sasquatch at all, rather an average-sized but acutely arthritic human, possibly named Harry.’

The B.I.G. representatives went on to explain that the Bigfoots’ raucous, degenerate, backwoods party-child lifestyle perhaps led to the onset of gout, after decades of drug and alcohol abuse and (depending on incidental or intentional contact with local loggers or through-hikers) perhaps even the introduction of STDs.

Confirmed Yetiboots, ‘The harmful lifestyle choices of the Bigfeet [sic] have been long documented by lumberjacks and native tribes in the Pacific Northwest.’