BREAKING OR SHALL WE SAY DICING NEWS
I screamed, you screamed, and the entire live professional audience broke role and screamed as the blood squirting from Gorko chef Rambo Bolillo’s left hand flashed across the white countertop on the set of BCA’s live television event Rambo’s First Turkey after that famous chef chopped right through his left index finger. I repeat, it happened on live TV last night at 8:12 pm. Rambo’s First Turkey, the first in a five-part series that was to include Rambo’s First Cheesecake, Rambo’s Third Ratatouille, and Rambo’s Last Piña Colada, has since been canceled.
WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE
‘I can still see it, like it happened in slow motion,’ recalled camera operator Bob Tom Robby, sitting wrapped in a blanket with the paramedics, ‘he moved too quickly to his left, took the carrot, the knife came down, I, I, no I can’t…’ the traumatized crew member broke off in sobs. Numerous members of audience, film and prep crew have been diagnosed with the beginnings of what may be complex PTSD, despite having all seen 1982’s First Blood multiple times as children.
‘Yeah, they really have no excuse. I told them to shut up their sniveling,’ said Peoria-area paramedic Peter O’Toole, who played Caligula in the eponymous 1979 movie.
NO MAN LEFT BEHIND
‘We had to do it,’ said EMT Josh Tom Grady, ‘we knew we had to go in there, and we did. We could not let a man bleed to death on set.’ The paramedics arrived and quickly stopped the bleeding, but unfortunately for Rambo, he had been hit bad. Would this be the finger that finally makes him snap, hijack an army supply truck, and start shooting helicopters out of the sky with grenade launchers?
THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD
When approached for an interview from his hospital bed, Chef Rambo appeared to be delirious, only crying out, ‘They drew first blood, not me!’ And later, ‘Murdock! I’m coming to get you! I’m your worst nightmare!’
Best wishes for a speedy recovery, physical and mental, to Gorko Chef Rambo Bolillo. But this is after all, considering all he has been through in our kitchen, a mere flesh wound. Remember 2014, the grease fire? And 2020, when he was home alone for too long with too much sugar?
In any case, get well soon, amigo! Dinner is at 7.
Image generated on Stable Diffusion 2- 1.
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