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by thegorkogazette

ACCEPTING THOSE COOKIES BY BOB GIELOW

BY BOB GIELOW

COOKIES

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DETAILS

You accepted the cookies, didn’t you?  Ha!  That means you didn’t click on the ‘learn more’ box and read these details.  Did the mention of chocolate chips lead you to trust us?  You are so lazy, and unsuspecting!  Didn’t the word ‘special’ raise a red flag for you?  You probably clicked on the ‘I accept box’ and didn’t even notice there was a ‘learn more’ box.  If you had taken a half second to be cautious, you would not have blithely accepted the cookies that are now burrowing deep into your computer, in search of embarrassing little treasures you’ve been foolish enough to keep.  If you actually read these details first and then refused the cookies, well, then bully for you!  

WHAT ARE COOKIES

For most websites, cookies are simple text files designed to optimize website functionality and personalize the delivery of content (e.g., advertising).  Not for us … we have devised a way to sneak in a virus disguised as a ‘cookie’ that even the finest virus scan products cannot detect.  This virus is designed to locate and deliver back to us select content from your saved documents, your email, and any social media accounts you’ve been accessing.  These cookies are looking for the photos you’ve taken of bodily parts, messages that discuss sexual encounters, and messages that describe the bodily harm you’d like to cause others.  They are seeking racist, sexist, or homophobic language.  They are searching for any messages you’ve exchanged with a physician discussing your impotence, your incontinence, or your sexually transmitted diseases.  Lastly, hoping for something cringeworthy, we’d love to find sentences that include the words ‘fraud,’ ‘illicit,’ ’embezzle,’ ‘theft,’ and/or the phrase ‘I lied.’

WHAT WILL WE DO WITH YOUR DATA?

First, we will blackmail you to see how much you fork over to maintain your air of social normalcy.  Then, even if you’ve paid us off, we will probably still find someone with whom you compete who is eager to pay us for the dirt we have on you.  Or, maybe we’ll find a loved one eager to pay us to destroy what we’ve found.  Then, in the end, we may or may not decide to share with the world the various naughty nuggets we’ve been able to dig up.  Trust us, we will find a variety of uses for the data we gather!  

ABOUT US

We are three guys who possess an entrepreneurial spirit and an unquenchable thirst to get to know their fellow humans.  Greg (his real name) is an immigrant to the US and is hungry to knock Americans off their moralistic high horse.  Greg is ‘fucking sick and tired’ of listening to American ‘City Upon a Hill’ lectures claiming exceptionalism for those who happen to be born in the US.  Ronald (his real name) belongs to a family of successful capitalists who have been gouging disadvantaged Americans since the 1700s.  Ronald is ‘fucking embarrassed’ about all the greedy and uncaring deeds wrought by his forebears, including slavery and an obsessive dislike for non-Christians.  Evan (not his real name … he is fighting extradition) had been diagnosed as a child with what used to be called Asperger’s Syndrome, describing himself as socially awkward and having an all-absorbing interest in specific topics … specifically computer code.  Evan ‘fucking loves making others feel as uncomfortable’ as he is usually feeling.  

HOW TO DELETE COOKIES?

Too late!  So sad …

Now, go drown your sorrows in some real chocolate chips!  




Image generated on Stable Diffusion 2- 1

ABOUT bob gielow

A college administrator by day, Bob Gielow (he/him) spins tales in formats we all use when communicating with each other: text messages, emails, fictional Wikipedia posts, and diary entries all allow him to be clinical and thorough in describing his characters, their thinking and actions … without diminishing his ability to explore the resulting human emotions. 

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