IMAGES AND TEXT BY MARK BLICKLEY
[PRINCESS VELVEETA is a character from my futuristic sci-fi musical play, Paleo: The Fat Free Musical, set in the year 2639. The Princess represents mainstream American culture governed by her royal family. Due to the ravages of Climate Change, all citizens have become totally hairless in an evolutionary response to the earth’s torturous heat that have turned all skin hue into the officially designated color of Charred. The outlaw society, PPPP (Proud Paleo Perfect People), for centuries have rejected her culture of gluttonous, technological consumption and artificial foods by illegally living as tribes within dying forests where they continue the ancient traditions of hunting and gathering. This variant lifestyle has caused their de-evolution of getting hairier and hairier until they closely resemble their primate ancestors. Princess Velveeta’s glider crashed into their forest and these two societal enemies come in contact with each other for the first time.]
Princess Velveeta (character description): a Non-Paleo completely hairless lost princess (with an outrageous wig), played by a very large drag queen in a flamboyant, futuristic looking spandex outfit, sporting lots of outrageous makeup, especially outlandish drawn eyebrows, her feet clad in killer spiked heels. A noticeable aspect of her appearance is the rotten teeth that frames her cheesy smile.
PRINCESS VELVEETA
I am Princess Velveeta, daughter of King Cyclamate, betrothed to Prince Sucralose of the castle Dyabetay on Lake Coma. And I’m completely lost. My glider crashed in this godforsaken forest while I was applying toenail polish (she raises her foot to show her toes, shoves them in Basil’s face) and not paying attention to the airstreams, but aren’t they sumptuous? (Basil pulls back in disgust).
I’m starving. Any of you monkeys have something to eat? I thought you PPPP Paleo freaks were a myth. Legend has it Paleos kidnap normal people and imprison them as cave slaves. Is that true? Please tell me it’s true! I’ll pull double duty and gladly split time between your (points to Basil) cave and his (points to Herb). You wanna rough me up and make me squeal like a captured cave slave, sweetie?
MYRTLE
I’d rather shut you up and make you heel like the dog you are.
PRINCESS VELVEETA
Ah, a feisty bitch! Bring it on, you whiskered witch!
MYRTLE lunges at VELVEETA, but is restrained by HERB and IRIS. Velveeta removes a high heel and holds it over her head like a weapon. Basil edges his way between Myrtle and Velveeta, using his outstretched arms to separate them.
…
QUINOA
Leave our menfolk alone!
PRINCESS VELVEETA
Why should I? What’s wrong with them? Are they some kind of fanny bashers? I figured sexy ape men like them would be primo mound mashers. Despite you guys being so damn hairy, it doesn’t make you any less hot as monkey studs. I have friends and admirers that are idiotic and dumb, but also very sexy like you guys although with all that fur around your crotch, it’s kinda hard to see what you Paleo perverts are packing. You sexy apes are an erotic taboo that I believe are just a body wax and shave away from being considered highly desirable to most normal Americans. My god, those muscles!
…
BASIL
A show of hands to vote on banishing Princess Velvetta, this rotting sack of chemical additives, this bald, bloated abomination of humanity, from our sacred forest.
TRIBAL MEMBERS (all raise their hands, scream in unison)
Banish her! Better Dead Than Bread! Homeostasis in the Highest! Praise be the Lard and all other natural byproducts!
PRINCESS VELVEETA
What do you mean by banished? Aren’t you going help me return to my father, the King? Who the hell are you to judge me? Are you kidding me? Look at you and look at me, honey. And I’m not just talking about the beauty of my fabulous clothes (rubs hand across her body), or my creamy, smooth hairless flesh.
Forget banish me. How about you two furry studs ravish me, and then take me back to Daddy? Deal?
FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL
Images by Mark Blickley
ABOUT THE ARTIST
Mark Blickley grew up within walking distance of New York’s Bronx Zoo and believes pizza contains not only high caloric value but high spiritual value. He is a widely published and produced author and a proud member of the Dramatists Guild and PEN American Center. His latest books are the flash fiction collection ‘Hunger Pains’ (Buttonhook Press) and the text-based art collaboration with artist Amy Bassin, ‘Dream Streams,’ from which the two pieces in this issue are excerpts. https://www.claresongbirdspub.com/featured-authors/amy-bassin-mark-blickley/ Twitter: @Blickwords