When Dr. Charles F. first pitched his revolutionary solution to the Peoria Sanitation Council in 2017 he was met with such strong opposition that he nearly decided to ‘can’ the entire project, a proposed overhaul of the Peoria-area waste disposal that, if it worked, could have overwhelming ecological and health ramifications for years to come.
‘They wanted to run me out of town,’ laughed the local scientist, whose Gospankme Bucket Brigade campaign you may have already heard of. Dr. F. reports that more than 50 Peoria-area households have already installed the new technology in their homes, so in the words of the Brigade motto, Yes You Can!
So what is this new technology?
The Bucket Brigade tech is really quite simple: rather than using a traditional but highly wasteful water-flush toilet connected to an urban sewage grid, homeowners have turned off their water and simply do everything into a simple bucket.
‘During times of national emergency, in the aftermath of hurricanes and high-EF tornadoes, for example, we have seen that the Bucket Brigade principle simply works,’ said Dr. F. while signing for his stack of pizzas. ‘The Bucket Brigade anticipates eliminating more than 13 thousand gallons of waste water per household per year.’
THERE IS ONLY ONE CATCH
When asked about the disposal process, Dr. F. simply pointed to his own newly installed Bucket Brigade Chute, an aluminum slide affixed to the exterior of his bathroom window.
‘The fecal matter, shit and piss and so forth, is simply tossed out the window,’ he explained, as though we were toddlers. ‘The 25-meter chute leads to a convenient hole behind the Bucket Brigade Shrubbery, or some families opt for the ever popular Bucket Brigade Scatterer, which distributes the waste as a fine layer of manure on grass or garden beds.’
SO NOW WE KNOW WHAT THAT SMELL IS
Uncle Toby has apparently signed up to be part of the Bucket Brigade, and this explains a lot about his efforts with Barbara from the office over the past six weeks.
‘I just don’t get it,’ he wept on our shoulder just this past Tuesday. ‘She just up and ghosted me!’
We are not sure WE can, but the Bucket Brigade assures us that You Sure Can!
Image generated on Stable Diffusion