We see you are all ready for Christmas, Brother Ethy, and have even gone out of your way to decorate the tree and hang up mistletoe and sew a special red suit so you can dress up as jolly old Saint Nick and bring a little glimmer of happiness to the neighborhood waifs. Whoops I guess you didn’t get the memo from God that this year there ain’t gonna be no Christmas.
Don’t look so crestfallen, Brother Ethernan, Jesus H. Christ, we will always have the beautiful memories of Christmases past. Remember the year Prior Spock Bockum had the dirty vision about the peacock then canceled the Christmas turkey and we had to eat just peas and rice? Ha ha ha, I remember you cried for a week, even though you tried to hide it. Then we I mean somebody probably one of the bad nuns put steamed peas in your bed ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Oops sorry did I just spill my mead all over your nifty Santa outfit well don’t worry you have a calendar year to clean it up.
And do you remember the Christmas everyone got new sandals but one of yours went missing the same day? I still wonder which of the dirty peasants must have taken it, such a fine prank, not that any of US found it funny ho ho ho. I wonder how the sandal ended up in the pig sty, you know pigs will eat anything, the peasant scum must have grown tired of the joke ha ha ha and pitched it in there.
No we are completely serious, God told us in a group vision that Christmas is canceled this year. Don’t look so downcast, it is only one Christmas. If you don’t believe us you can go ask Sister Mary Consumption or if you get up the courage, little Ethy, Prior Spock himself. I believe the venerated Prior is in meditation in his cell, as perhaps we all should be, seeing as the Lord has decided not to celebrate the birthday of His own Son.
What could have driven God to take such a decision, Ethy, if not some kind of grievous sin. Fess up, Brother Ethernan, what have you been up to in your cell. We have already expiated ourselves, this morning we flagellated each other like crazy after self-dunking in the icy river and crawling back to the monastery through the snow while reciting 140 Hail Marys and a ton of other shit too.
Yeah you must have been in your cell indulging in wickedness, is why you missed it. Just please little Ethy for the sake of Easter, and we all know how you love to dye and hunt for eggs, examine your soul today and do whatever it takes, anything at all, to purge the uncleanliness.
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