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Dostoevsky Has a Seizure Pitching Headlines to the Russian Messenger

What is Hell, Gentleman? Suffering From the Inability to Love Your Hemorrhoids: Ten Tips for a Healthier, Happier Bottom

Baden-Baden? More Like ‘I’m Baden My Time Until I Can Get Out of This Hellhole’

Turgenev Struggles to Write Russian Novel Because His Telescope Lens is Dirty

Moscow is Blowing Up Right Now and I’m Not Talking About the Assassination Attempt on the Tsar: Ten New Hot Spots for this Season’s Best Borscht

Hegelian Dies of Lectic Poisoning

Old Believers Looking to Rebrand as ‘Young Believers’ to Attract New Worshippers

Disgusting, Thieving Germans Disgust with Their Incessant Thievery: An Exposé

Russians Living Their Whole Sinful Miserable Lives in Finnish Swamp Surprised to Learn They Know Nothing About Russia

Stupid Poles Do Something Stupid and Surprise No One with Their Stupidity

Underground Man Evicted as Gentrification Comes to St. Petersburg

Socialist Renounces Socialism After Working One Day on Obshchina

White Nights, Cold City: A Drunkard’s Guide to the Best Corners in St. Petersburg to Freeze to Death In

Nihilist Finds God After Reading the Collected Works of Russia’s Greatest Novelist and kisses the earth, the great, beautiful, humble Russian earth and he picks up a handful of this earth and uses it not to create some Crystal Palace lorded over by Western Intellectuals with no understanding of the Russian soul or of Russia’s role leading the world forward with the true faith, none of that decadent Catholicism or Protestant trash or Jesuitical conspiracies but united under a true monarch, under the truest monarch of them all our Savior, can you spare a few roubles, Anna, where are you, I’m feeling lucky, oh, the tension, Anna, do you feel it? The joy, the demons cast out, we are forgiven—

JON DOUGHBOY

Jon Doughboy runs the Institute for Regressive Economic Redistribution. His works have been published in Fjords Review, Juxtaprose, Beyond Words, and Narrative. His self-help manual ‘You Too Can Scam Aspiring Writers’ is coming out next fall with PANK. Preorders available now @doughboywrites

Image by Doughboy