‘I Gazed into the Abyss So the Abyss Wouldn’t Gaze Also into You!’
The Internet! Sure are a lot of things there. So much so, I spent a week descending into this orgy of information, consumption, and toxicity, returning to tell the tale in the form of a disjointed, deeply concerning listicle! The soles of my feet aren’t the only things burned beyond recognition by this firewalk into the Underworld, but hopefully this will help you avoid the liminal state of purgatory I currently inhabit. Enjoy!
• Google – Google has become synonymous with searching for whatever you’re interested in finding online. So much so, they’re being taken to court by the U.S. federal government for monopolistic business practices. Skip the search terms, click on “I Feel Lucky,” and descend into the stuff of Lovecraft’s nightmares.
• Amazon – A site that started as a humble online bookstore has shapeshifted into an insatiable succubus of commerce. Purchase products you never knew you wanted or needed until they were marked down and strategically positioned before you in a banner ad. Thanks, Big Data!
• Bookshop.org – Who says amoral conglomerates dictate every facet of our existence? On this site, you can support your local independent bookstore and find some new reads in the process. I read The Precipice by Noam Chomsky before going on this excursion and it’s been with me ever since. Seriously, I keep it on my person at all times. In addition to the mental anguish the text induces, it’s impossible for me to get physically comfortable. An ideal position to slide even further down a slippery slope into the third or fourth circle of Dante’s digital inferno!
• Online Reward Programs – Buy things for the sake of buying more things. You’re saving money on individual purchases and now have enough to make even more individual purchases elsewhere. Mobius called; he wants his Strip back!
• Disney Plus – Buy a subscription and watch things you know by heart from your childhood. Watch the new Star Wars films, MCU offerings, and original programming and pretend you haven’t essentially seen them already due to an utter lack of inspired storytelling.
• Paramount Plus – Buy a subscription. Re-watch things you watched on MTV two decades ago when you should have been working on college applications. Ignore the probability that this is what led you to your present situation.
• Netflix – Buy a subscription in 2008. Neglect to cancel it in 2023. Watch things you couldn’t have been paid to watch in 2008.
• Apple TV – Buy a subscription to another streaming service you don’t watch but matches your iPhone. Buy a new iPhone.
• Hulu – Buy a subscription with options for live TV and cable channels with commercial breaks. Buy things from the commercials and convince yourself you’re still saving money by not having cable.
• Navient, Mohela, AES, etc. – Pay your monthly student loan bills. Buy the idea you’re ever getting out of debt.
• Non-Profits, NGOs, and Humanitarian Aid Organizations – Give them money in the futile hope that they can do something to make the world a better place. Unless of course your bank account balance is in negative numbers now and all hope is lost.
• Facebook –This social media giant has been criticized for, among scores of other things, knowingly spreading misinformation, adversely affecting democratic elections, and fueling anti-Muslim violence. I’ll buy a fifteenth MAGA tee!
• Instagram – Owned by the same parent company as Facebook, the ‘Gram lets you post photos, videos, and provides easy access to firearms. The Blue Lives Matter activists I connected with were very helpful. Now I have a Glock and an AK-47!
• Twitter/X – Here you hit a paywall when you reach the maximum number of expressions of outrage. But yes, Elon Musk, I’ll buy a Tesla! Make it two! Is there enough room in the trunks for my growing cache of legally purchased military ordnance?
• Twitch –Absorb even more anger, hatred, and outright abuse, but buy and play games at the same time! I just fired a round through my TV and my name isn’t even Elvis Presley! Or is it…?
• Reddit – Fall down the rabbit hole of posts from violent online subcultures. Report a planned mass shooting to police when it’s announced and buy more guns in anticipation of regulatory laws that will never come. We’re gonna win this thing, comrades! What ‘thing,’ you ask? Who are these comrades? I thought you knew!
• The Dark Web – Hello, void! May I descend into you? Are you as bottomless as I suspect you are?
• The New York Times – Buy a Games subscription. Play Wordle for something to do on the way down.
ABOUT THE ARTIST
Corey Pajka is a Brooklyn, New York-based writer. He tries to take himself seriously, but his goofy t-shirt collection and love of professional wrestling prevents that. His plays have been produced at numerous venues Off and Off-Off Broadway in New York, and at regional theatres throughout the country. His satirical work has been published by Points in Case, The Weekly Humorist, Flexx Mag, The Broadway Beat, and others. He is in the process of launching his own satirical website, and has started working on a novel based in the world of…professional wrestling (see?). He lives in Brooklyn, New York with his wife, playwright D.L. Siegel, and their adorable Pembroke Welsh Corgi Sancho Panza. www.coreypajka.com
Image generated on Stable Diffusion
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