The Gorko Gazette

YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER

So you have suffered long enough at the hands of rogue editors and roundtables of MFA gatekeepers, and after a lot of anguish have decided to take this matter of deciding who gets published and who gets no-published into your own hands by launching your own online literary journal. Your journal will consist of monthly, pastel-colored issues containing only the best poetry on topics of eternal beauty such as butterflies and death, abstract flash fiction that is in fact in every case just a description of a cock or vagina, and bleeding heart cultural nonfiction that subverts late capitalist mainstream thought and champions social justice in blindingly elegant prose.

THERE IS ONLY ONE LITTLE PROBLEM

There is only one small problem, my friend: like the garage band you tried to start in middle school, three days and three nights of agonized brainstorming has only rendered three titles for your stupid, groundbreaking journal: Joe’s Ragout, Filthy Puss, and Bubbleyum Monthly, none of which satisfactorily represent the pathos, bathos, or desperate urgency of the literary journal you are planning to helm. Luckily for you, The Gorko has just launched its brand new Bleeding Heart Literary Journal Name Generator, aka Sally!

HOW SALLY WORKS

Unfortunately this beta version of Sally is not yet fully automated, in fact all of the calculations must be done as though you were being asked to create your porn name at a college party, for example: simply take the name of your first pet and add the street you grew up on. In the case of Gorko Entertainment Editor Mitchell Kennedy, his porn name turns out to be Muffin Gale. Raddy’s own is Tish Siggelkow! Both perfectly fine names for ego-driven, neophyte, slushpile-based literary endeavors. Below are several different of Sally’s methods for generating a name for your stupid literary journal. Good luck, retard!

abstract noun + favorite flower

INSTRUCTIONS: simply think of an abstract noun or adjective such as love, pithy, or agony, and add your favorite flower!

EXAMPLES: Pithy Aster, Cosmic Dahlia, Agony Daffodil

NOTE: The order of abstraction and flower can easily be inverted, for example: Aster Pith, Dahlia Cosmos, Daffodil Agony. Knock yourself out!

THE WORD STAR + ANY SYNONYM FOR JOURNAL

EXAMPLES: Star Review, Star Monthly, Star Gazette, Star Organ

NOTE: Synonyms for star or other celestial phenomenon are also acceptable. For example, Sun Organ, Comet Express, White Dwarf Review, Milky Way Literary.

GEOLOGICAL FEATURE + ANIMAL

EXAMPLES: Swamp Gorilla, Mountain Chicken, Volcano Rabbit, Drumlin Vulture, Kettle Cat

PAST PASSIVE PARTICIPLE (PREFERABLY VIOLENT) + OBJECT

EXAMPLES: Broken Wing, Unloved Tong, Ruptured Messiah, Leftover Baby, Manhandled Letterbox, Squashed Starlight

GEOGRAPHICAL AREA, PREFERABLY IN CANADA OR NORTHERN UK

NOTE: Editors should also restrict submissions to writers hailing from or currently living in the area, or else Jesus will come back and slap you hard.

EXAMPLES: Red Earth Creek Quarterly, Athabaska Review, Labrador Lucy Goosey, Cairngorms Literary, Lochmaddy Magazine

SOME FAUX GREEK WORD BEGINNING WITH META + THE WORD MAGAZINE

EXAMPLES: Metamormon Magazine, Metalobotomize Magazine, Metafingerbowl Magazine, Metacreep Magazine

OR ANY PORN NAME GENERATOR + THE WORD PRESS/review/literary WILL DO JUST FINE

INSTRUCTIONS: The Gorko recommends using the name of first pet + street you grew up on method, but others include: middle name + first pet, first name + favorite toy as a child, favorite fruit + last name of least favorite teacher in high school, favorite tree + a southern US state.

NOTA BENE!!!!!!!!!!! Remember, these methods are NOT infallible! Please remember that you naming a literary journal is NOT the same as naming a porn persona.

EXAMPLES: Jasmine Hawkins Press, Richards Punkin Review, Raquel Rocket Literary, Cherry McDougal Press, Ash Kansas Review

Images generated on neural.love

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