We all know the first part of the old adage When in Rome, but many hundreds of thousands of people have written The Gorko demanding to know how does the rest of the thing go? Mrs. Dalworth-Ripbottoms of Peoria, in our mailbag just this morning, demanded that The Gorko unleash our best sleuths on the topic, ‘for the sake of our children, Raddy, who are in the middle of a domestic warzone, demanding to know the truth and put this linguist’s feud to rest once and for all!’
Below are the results of our snoop.
WHEN IN ROME, DO AS THE ROMANS DO
According to Cobham’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable (Cassell and Company, London 1900, NOT TO BE LENT OUT) the pious family of Saint Augustine were shocked when he went out with his little uncircumcised friends on a Saturday and pigged the fuck out on the Milanese Buffet House All-You-Can-Eat, also swilling about twenty-eight beers and passing out on the Via Brisa with his tunic over his head. ‘For shame, Auggie,’ pouted the family the next day, you know that Saturday is a day of fasting in Italy! But the little saint was said to have retorted, ‘In Rome they fast on Saturdays, but in Milan we eat like hogs! When I Rome, I fast like a Roman.’
Which is to say, When in Peoria, eat Pizza Hut on Friday nights.
WHEN IN ROME, BE SURE TO TRY THE MARITOZZI
Local child Nadira, founder and editor of the news and gossip rag Nadira’s Nose, reported that one thing you are supposed to try if you ever find yourself in Rome, according to sundry internet travel guides and influencers, are the iconic Roman cream-filled pastries called maritozzi. Reports Nadira, ‘A maritozzo from the city of its origin, with its whipped cream filling and orange highlights inside a fluffy brioche bun, is the height of Roman decadence.’ When asked if she had ever been in Rome, the amateur sleuth shook her head in the negative, but said that if we were ever in Peoria, not to miss the fudge at Fudge Fanny’s on Floor Four.
IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER CLUES AS TO THE TRUE COMPLEMENT OF THE ENIGMATIC PROVERB WHEN IN ROME, PLEASE SEND THEM POSTHASTE TO RADDY AT HIS HOME ADDRESS.
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