The Gorko Gazette

New Study Finds that Everyone at That Party Really Did Hate You

We’ve all come home from a party and immediately been hit with a wave of regret and fear. To be perceived at all is a nightmarish experience that we cannot escape. We have all wondered if we screwed the pooch by simply having a good time, but had no way of finding out for sure. However, a team of researchers from Columbia University took it upon themselves to get an answer just for you, and the results don’t look good!

‘By analyzing covert footage of your friend’s housewarming party last weekend, and by conducting some first-hand interviews, we were able to paint a pretty clear picture of everyone’s perception of you,’ explains Columbia’s sociology department head, who led the investigation. ‘From what we can tell, you kind of blew it.’

The team’s findings point to six major shortcomings that really held you back in the eyes of all those strangers:

1) You talk way, way too much.

What feels like a short, crowd-pleasing anecdote to you, is actually a dragging saga that completely harshes everyone’s vibe. When you told the story of how your dog once ran away but returned only an hour later, what you thought were amused murmurs were actually groans of agony, and muffled prayers for God to strike you down just so it would end. According to our in-house etiquette expert, Angie Holmes, a better approach for you would be to avoid storytelling altogether in the future. It isn’t your strong suit.

2) You got really sweaty.

According to witnesses at the party, the apartment did get a little warm over the course of the evening. That being said, the temperature in no way matched the level of perspiration you achieved.

‘I’m talking soaked,’ said one attendee. ‘Like, if someone knows they have a sweating problem, I’m not sure why they’d choose to wear light gray. It was really obvious. I overheard several beautiful women talking about it in the line for the bathroom.’

3) You were so drunk.

As we all know, people generally go to parties with the expectation of getting a bit tipsy. You, however, went above and beyond last weekend. The average partygoer consumes four standard drinks over roughly three hours. Due to a lapse in footage when you moved to the patio, we can’t be exactly sure how many you had, but we do know that it was definitely over four.

‘Some people just shouldn’t drink,’ commented one of the many spectators. ‘There’s a time and a place to throw down, and someone’s housewarming just isn’t the place. Like, yes, we were all doing tequila shots, but we weren’t actually taking them. We were just pretending to drink them and covertly throwing them over our shoulders. Guess someone didn’t get the memo.’

4) You bummed too many cigarettes.

A smoker typically goes to a house party with the understanding that they’ll have to sacrifice a few, but one partygoer reports that half of his pack went directly to you. You couldn’t be stopped. You had no shame in asking to bum one after the other. At one point, you were recorded smoking two cigarettes at the same time – not one in each hand, but rather, both stacked between your fingers in the same hand. Sort of like when you order a cocktail at an event and get two coffee stirrers instead of a straw. It was one hell of a display of decadence, and one of blatant disregard for the cigarette donor.

‘I smoke Spirits,’ said the donor, who has chosen to remain anonymous. ‘They’re not cheap. I’m out, like, six bucks over a total stranger.’

5) You said some really weird stuff about John Candy.

You are definitely not the first to be a fan of the late actor, and probably not the first to find him attractive, but did you have to include that one bit in front of everyone? There is such a thing as an inside thought, and that specific one you shared in the living room should definitely have been carried to the grave with you.

‘I mean, we’ve been friends for a lot of years, but I don’t know if I can let that one go,’ the party host admitted. ‘For Christ’s sake, my mother was there.’

6) Your Uber was crazy late to pick you up.

Sure, this one may not be in your direct control, but it certainly didn’t help things. As the night came to a close and everyone else piled into their own rides, you lingered… and lingered, and lingered. You were the last guest in the house. As your exhausted host and his girlfriend began to tidy up, you stayed parked on the couch and yapping. To your credit, you did ask if you could help, but you should not have taken him at face value when he said not to worry about it. He absolutely wanted you to help clean up, but you were evidently too obtuse, drunk, and grotesquely sweaty to pick up on the subtext. When your Uber did finally arrive, thirty minutes later, your friend closed the door behind you and fell to his knees, proclaiming his thanks to the Lord that you had gone at last.

At the end of the day, we are all just glad that you had a good time. You certainly can’t win them all. We do hope that this feedback might help improve your success at your next gathering, though. God willing, of course, that you do ever get invited to another one.

ABOUT THE ARTIST

V N Garmon (he/him) is an Atlanta-born author and soup enthusiast, with a penchant for the bass guitar. He shares his home with a mysterious beast that is 50% cat, 50% dog, and 50% winged demon (150% animal in total). His work appears in Maudlin House, Prairie Home, Fifth Wheel Press, and others. You can find him on Twitter at @veanimator.

Image generated on DreamStudio

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