WHAT TO GET FOR THE SPELUNKER IN YOUR LIFE WHO ALREADY HAS EVERYTHING
So it is that time of year again, as the cave-pocked rock we call home spins closer and closer to the birthday or anniversary of that special spelunker in your life. It can be a real challenge to find meaningful gifts for a serious spelunker, who already has custom-fitted hardhats, undersuits and oversuits and wetsuits, ascenders and descenders and carbiners, not to mention a complete set of anti-voodoo candles and akvarn spears. There is no need to throw in the tackle bag, friend, The Gorko has scoured the internet and come up with 3 of this year’s flashiest, most useful spelunking accessories. Your cave lover will wonder how they ever descended into the infernal regions of the earth without them!
BREAST HARNESS
You can leave your climbing harnesses and chest harnesses on the Lhotse Wall of Mount Everest! What a real caver needs is a spelunker’s brazier, especially if they have boobs. Our favorite is definitely the Floyd Collins Boob Bag, available on Azamon in eight different colors, in both men’s and women’s sizes! Get your Boob Bag with the clasp or hook of your choice. The Boob Bag Deluxe also comes with extra pockets for storing backup headlamps.
Completely safe, hilarious to look at, and highly recommended. Don’t enter the subterranean lairs of Grendel and co. without one!
THE NUTTY PUTTY DAISY CHAINER
You know how to shank a rope, don’t you? First you double it up to 2 strands and loop it out instead of flaking to form 8 strands, but BE SURE TO separate the groups so that you have 4 strands before unshanking THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS YOU WILL DIE. Clear as mud? No? Well that is why you should let the Nutty Putty Daisy Chainer do the daisy chaining for you! This nifty device is basically a rope coiler, and is voice activated. Simply speak a command, such as DAISY CHAIN ME ROPE, NUTTY PUTTY into the Nutty Putty receiver, and watch your daisies get chained.
Lightweight and very attractive, the Nutty Putty Daisy Chainer looks like a small Roomba. Keep out of reach of children, unless you want them daisy chained of course. Runs on 248 AA batteries.
JIM BEAM BOURBON (LIGHTWEIGHT PLASTIC HANDLE)
What if your rope snaps and you plunge into the bottom of a lost canyon called something like The Fissure of Molten Despair, and your legs are broken, and your emergency flares get wet, and your energy bars are gone, and there are gigantic talking crab creatures that you have had to fight off, but you are growing weaker by the hour? For just such a nightmare scenario most veteran spelunkers carry a large plastic handle of American whiskey. Sometimes it just takes a friend like Jim to blunt the horror and panic of spelunking.
FOR SUBTERRANEAN USE ONLY.
Image generated on neural.love
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