A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
The Homeowners Association that rules, with iron fist and white deerskin gardening gloves, the ritzy Peoria Hills neighborhood in which you unfortunately decided to purchase a house and put down roots, has unanimously (you were not at the meeting — it was kind of all done on the low-down while you were recovering from the oral surgery) voted to ban the word muffin.
Muffin, as in ‘an individual cup-shaped quick bread made with wheat flour, cornmeal, or the like, and baked in a pan (muffin pan) containing a series of cuplike forms’ (Random House Unabridged Dictionary of American English © 2024).
In the same meeting they also voted to ban your darling Bichon Frise (this is a dog breed) Sparkplug, who is known at times to go a little crazy and dig holes in different lawns, and piss on mailboxes, and yip and snap at joggers.
STAGES 1 AND 2 OF HOMEOWNER GRIEF: DENIAL AND ANGER
You may say to yourself, but if I can’t shout the word M$&fin in public, that is a blatant suppression of my God-given, constitutional right to free speech. Also how am I supposed to call my fucking dog? This is in fact entrapment, and I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.
STAGE 3 OF HOMEOWNER GRIEF: BARGAINING
Please please please please please please you monsters, don’t ban the word m$&fin. Please do not ban my dog M#$fin! I am begging you, how much do you want, what is it is my money not good here, I have a job, I can take out a loan, I can remortgage the house! What is it you really want from me?
STAGE 5 OF HOMEOWNER GRIEF: MURDER
You appear to have skipped Stage 4 of Homeowner Grief: Depression and moved directly on to Stage 5: Murder the M$%finfuckers! Look at you, already torching (setting fire to) all of the houses on your street while their occupants are asleep. We see you have the camper packed, too, and M$%fin belted into the passenger seat.
Things are working out exactly as we planned HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Adios fool.
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