SAY WHAT NOW
The German baked goods company Konditorei-Kreme, known best internationally for their Großer Keks and Schindel Scheiße, claim to have done the impossible: engineered a cookie that literally does not crumble randomly, falling from chewers’ hands into laps, jaws of waiting Golden Retrievers, or crevasses in speeding vehicles. If their claims are true, Uncle Toby and the rest of Peoria can say a triumphant goodbye to his all-time most annoying expression, ‘Well that is just how the cookie crumbles.’
VICTORY IS WITHIN SIGHT
Spokesmammals for Konditorei-Kreme told The Gorko that the predictable-crumble cookie is still in the testing phase, but that KK scientists were optimistic for an end-of-year launch.
BUT WHY GOD WHY
Said K-K representative Jens Muller-Schmidt, ‘Vell vee were sooo tired you know of such cookies simply fall apart, you see, in unpredictable fashions. There is NO NEED for cookies to not behave, like bad little childrens, you see, is just laziness on part of manufacturers you know. So vee decide to put our foots down, you know, because enough izz enough. You know zhe motto of Konditorei-Kreme: Ven zhe cookie crumble, it crumble for you. Or somedeen like that, you know, I am being translator.’
HOW EXACTLY IS THE COOKIE GOING TO CRUMBLE
The most fantastic part of the predictable-crumble cookies is that you can choose how your cookie crumbles. ‘The Konditorei-Kreme predictable-crumble cookie will be available in split crumble, wedge crumble, and even center-crumble models. Don’t let the cookie crumble on you — for the first time in the history of mankind, the cookie chewer will be in complete control of the cookie!’ (From the Konditorei-Kreme press release, 15 July 2024).
BUT WHAT IF WE ARE ALL GOING TO HELL IN A KONDITOREI-KREME HANDBASKET
Yet detractors of the predictable-crumble cookie have already begun voicing their apprehensions in public. Said Peoria resident James Walshbogoggan, ‘This is just the next phase in the corporate AI takeover. I don’t want everything to be tidy and perfect for my children! I want them to be surprised by the permutations of life, yes to learn what it means to go through hard times, to learn to cope when life does not go as planned.’
But Konditorei-Kreme sure doesn’t, and time will tell how America will react to completely predictable cookies.
Image generated on AI Image Gen
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