As fans of Gorko chef Rambo Bolillo’s world-famous cooking show already know, he is a huge fan of charcuterie boards, and yet literally owns no skateboards, surfboards, or cutting boards. That is right, he does it all on The Gorko’s own weatherbeaten checkerboard that he found while rooting around in the basement for golf clubs, dicing and mincing between pieces! Except for the benefit of this article, only for today, Rambo is calling it a chessboard, ‘makes us looker smarter’.
QUEEN TO E4
Hi yo everyone this is Rambo speaking. People will tell you, and by people I mean chefs, that to make a good charcuterie board you need to start with a nice charcuterie board. NOT TRUE PEOPLE. Look what do YOU see when you are at your best dawg’s house on NFL Sunday and he breaks out his salami and cheese? You lookin at SALAMI AND CHEESE not the thing it is sitting on. Rather than worry about the surfaces, concentrate on the ingredients, the actual salami and cheese and nuts and broccoli, whatever you end up throwing out there. In fact I use just a plain old chessboard (Raddy’s mom’s) for my extremely popular parties, and people absolutely go to town on my charcuterie, which is top effing notch.
BUT KARLA WANTED ME TO PUT THE CHARCUTERIE ON HER NAKED BACK
Well in that case use Karla’s naked back, by all means. But again, do not think that just because you got a naked woman instead of a chessboard people are not going to be judging you by your sausage and cheese. Inspired opinion? Draw lines on Karla’s back to make HER into a chessboard. Then you are going to have a human chessboard cheeseboard, and probably get your picture in the paper.
NO GRAPES
This article should have been called NO GRAPES ON THE CHARCUTERIE PLEASE, or little containers of Chex Party Mix, or I will literally shoot out the windows of your pathetic little living room. But Raddy told me No, Rambo, please, the title has already been printed on our monthly calendar JESUSSSSSS. NO GRAPES. NO CHEX PARTY MIX. REPEAT AFTER ME, NO GRAPES ON THE CHESSBOARD CHEESBOARD, NO GRAPES KARLA.
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Image: Chess set 2014.jpg
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