As many fans of Gorko chef Rambo Bolillo’s world-famous cooking show Pans On, Pants Off know so well, his mother Ramba recently passed after a heroic struggle with stomach cancer during a turf war shootout with the rival Pachas in Los Flojos south of the tracks. What no one is talking about but absolutely should be, is that before her tragic and untimely death, Ramba was back on track to reclaiming her 1997 Queen of Peoria Zumba title from the squabbly, backstabbing Zuria Melodia, and had already lost fifteen pounds eating only Chef Rambo’s patented, non-deadly 3-inch miracle cakes!
I TRIED THE 1-INCH CAKES IN CHURCH ONE TIME
The cakes are unassuming to look at, essentially unleavened wafers that could, if not for their 3-inch diameters, be easily mistaken for communion wafers.
‘I eat one of these lil bitches,’ Ramba told astonished Gorko reporters outside her Las Megas III nightclub the week before her fatal incident, ‘I feel like Might Mouse, I get out there on the dance floor and every Juan follow me lead.’
Sources have reported that, apart from the 3-inch miracle cakes baked by her son, her only form of sustenance since April of this year had been vodka with Red Bull chasers.
ANY CLUE AS TO THE INGREDIENTS OF THESE MIRACLE WAFERS, THEN?
Rambo himself, although detained by Peoria’s finest for questioning following the gruesome gangland battle that cost him a mother, forwarded the following statement through his lawyer, Bigs Goldstein:
Hi Raddy, I am fine, thank you for the cigarettes and 3-inch miracle cakes. I love these things, in fact me and mom have been indulging in a strict miracle cake-only diet, and it seemed to be working for her, up til the very end. They are a basic flour and green juice solution, formed into balls, rolled thin, and flash baked at 400 plus degrees for just a few seconds. We also have dried tomato, chive, and seaweed flavors, and were planning to launch the entire catalogue this January. But I am thinking of adding a layer of kevlar ha ha ha. Oops too soon? Here comes groucho Goldstein, so toodle-oo!
The Gorko will keep you updates on where to find your own 3-inch miracle cakes, in all available flavors!
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Image: Gravestone 2.jpg
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