As many fans of Gorko chef Rambo Bolillo’s world-famous cooking show know so well, he loves meat, especially pork barbecue in any of its sweet, zesty, peppery, greasy American INCARNATIONS. But did you know that Chef Rambo also appreciates a nice leafy salad, or vegetarian soup, or even a veggie-topped, plasticine slice of soy cheese pizza?
SO WHAT WENT WRONG
‘I took the Veganuary 2025 pledge this year,’ Rambo told Gorko reporters, ‘because I had had a sort of epiphany in which I sat back and thought about all of the animals I had eaten over the course of my 29 years [Rambo will be 36 in April], and I thought it was time to take a step back and reevaluate my eating habits.’
He said, ‘That was a huge mistake. Veganuary 2025 drove me straight back to the bottle.’
BUT MANY PEOPLE DERIVE REAL BENEFITS AND POSITIVE LIFE CHANGE FROM VEGANUARY, WE OURSELVES HAVE COMPLETED SEVERAL SUCCESSFUL PLEDGES
‘The Veganuary people told me that they defined veganism not by what you can’t eat, but what you CAN eat,’ Rambo continued, apparently stuffing a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey inside a horse, ‘but let me tell you, Veganuary was like being stuck on the wrong side of the fence at Auschwitz. I did not realize this before I took the pledge, but vegans don’t even let you touch eggs or butter.’
Said our award-winning chef, ‘I started hitting the bottle in the evenings when my camp partners hit the hay, it was the only thing after a day of self-denial, drum circles, and excruciating craving that could possibly have eased the pain.’
YES RAMBO WENT TO LITERAL VEGANUARY CAMP
‘They have this gorgeous modern ranch up in the mountains in [undisclosed location] where they keep rescue pigs, pigs that the Veganuary guerrillas have rescued from slaughterhouses and farms, and keep as pets,’ Rambo explained. ‘Imagine their surprise when they woke up one morning and old Rambo here, sauced to the bone, had his grill fired up in the corral! Lucy I think her name was was already hanging in the improvised smokehouse.’
WE ARE FRANKLY SURPRISED YOU SURVIVED VEGANUARY TOO
‘I basically had to fight my way out,’ confirmed Chef Rambo, swigging straight from a fifth of vodka, ‘which was not how I had envisioned my time at the Veganuary compound at all, them all peaceloving folks I been told, but hey I guess it just was not for me.’
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