YES YOU HAVE, YOU CLEVER FELLOW
Have you colluded with the enemy, turning over valuable state secrets, but intentionally omitted key details? You may indeed be a good spy, secretly working for America, after all!
THERE NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN ANY DOUBT AS TO YOUR LOYALTY TO THE STARS AND STRIPES
Have you gone down to the warehouse in South Peoria where you deliver the thumb drives on which not quite everything you know is laid out in painstaking detail, for the very last time? You may just be a tried and true patriot, my friend, not the enemy of the state, traitor, and scum your friends and family believe you to be. We believe in you, pal!
YES BUT WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DO YOU PLAN TO CLEAR MY NAME
Who are we, you ask? We are The Gorko Gazette, fellow. Everyone has heard of us but you. We are here to clear your name, provided it is true what we heard, that you withheld vital information from your last five drops, risking torture and death at the hands of ‘Kusnetsov’ and ‘Sokolov’, but somehow skating free! Why did you choose the codename America Fung Yeah if you were not in fact a secret lover of apple pie, cheeseburgers, and baseball?
WELL NOW YOU’VE BLOWN MY COVER
This is the part where, if you have in fact withheld information from your Russian handlers, we will have to bring you in, as they say. You had a good little run, champ, and have nothing to be ashamed of. If of course you in fact altered those missile codes, and deleted the key part of the code where it describes the tunnels into the Treasury. In that case, we are all good, brother, and we welcome you back with open arms — not the hacksaws, pliers, and ball gags you were expecting.
Cover image generated on Magic Studio
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No. 59
Cartoons by Laurie Rosenwald
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