The Gorko Gazette

In an alarming development, scientists at the Peoria Scientific Institute De-Bean (PSIDB) are reportedly in the process of opening another can of baked beans.

‘Mmmmm, de beans,’ replied head scientist Dr. Jackie Mousse when asked to comment on the situation via telephone.

Could Dr. Mousse’s remarks perhaps mean that the much-speculated age of de-beaning is already upon us?

‘The Age of De-Bean has been calculated to begin sometime during the Third Cycle of Neptune, in the ascendancy of Jules Verne,’ writes the fabled mystic and scientist Dr. Jarrod Pfiester, founder of the Peoria center for debeanology, the study of legume-in-can. ‘It shall begin small, with the de-beaning of a single can of legumes.’

If it is true that the de-beaning has kicked off the age of De-Bean, what does it mean for ordinary citizens of our city?

The Age of De-Bean, according to Dr. Pfiester’s extraordinarily thick monograph, De-Bean or Not De-Bean: That Bea the Question (McShullers & Maverick, 2001), shall be accompanied by great tribulations in the cities, mountains and skies. Wildlife populations shall be displaced and it sounds like there are going to be earthquakes, ice and wind storms, and a scarcity of fresh beans, soybeans, lentils, peas, and even peanuts. The prophet-scientist continues: ‘Canned products across the entire continent shall pop open of their own accord, gain consciousness and locomotion, and terrorize the human and animal populations’ (Pfeister 2001, 889).

‘This is one post-apocalyptic scenario in which lining your bunker with cans of baked beans is absolutely the WRONG move,’ under-scientist Jeffrey Dubea confided to The Gorko. ‘Canned legume would become the new enemy. Fear the legume-in-can! When your hear it pop, run for the hills,’ he advised.

And do not, he told The Gorko, under any circumstances spill the beans. And yet here we simply could not resist.

Avoid grocery stores and large cafeterias where gallon cans of beans could be located. If attacked, defend yourself with white vinegar diluted in water. This has been known to halt attacks from the de-beaned right in their beany little tracks. Stay strong — remain calm — be informed. Watch this space for hourly updates.

Cover image generated on Magic Studio

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