Scientists at the Peoria Institute of Advanced Penile, no wait, of Advanced Canine Research (PIAPACR) claim that they are on the verge of breaking down the last great barrier to human-dog communication, and it does not as one would suspect involve potty training or dishwashing. Rather the challenge the linguists and trainers at PIAPACR are hoping to overcome is the very language man’s best friend uses to communicate, a complex pan Indo-European mixture of barks, arfs, yips, ruffs, whines, growls, and howls. ‘If we can crack this code,’ declared the breathless PIAPACR spokesperson Doc Matters, ‘well then I’ll ruff rarf arf ow my arfing oww-wow!’
Researchers made their big breakthrough earlier this year when, due to budget cuts at the state level, they were forced to restrict the scope of their project.
‘We had started too big,’ admitted Doc Matters in his interview with The Gorko Gazette (thegorkogazette.com/pagedoesnotexist/sciencehahahaha.htm). ‘We were trying to talk to dogs in Shakespeare, when all dogs really want to talk about is treats, love, treats, ruff, ruff!’
While the average human being speaks an average of 800 unique words every day, and has trouble expressing love for fellow sentient creatures, PIAPACR experts estimate that the average dog speaks only 8, and is extraordinarily empathetic. This of course varies depending on breed: the average Doberman speaks only 2.5 unique words, while an Apple-Head Chihuahua from Namiquipa may speak as many as 36 unique elements, including the English loan phrase Live más.
The main problem facing the research team is that dog language is a tonal language, much like modern Chinese, with each RUFF representing a completely different locution depending on the tone in which it is expressed.
‘Peanuts here for example,’ explained Doc Matters, ‘uses in the course of a standard [research session] five distinct RUFFS, the three that correspond to the three active tones in most human languages, as well as two tones we recently discovered, one that is a kind of ticking, and the other a kind of growl.’ He said, showing us the twenty-seven stitches in his forearm, ‘As you may imagine, what Peanuts wants to say with each of these different RUFFS is very, very different.’
PIAPACR scientists hope with the help of AI translators to begin showcasing complete conversations in English between Doc Matters and his dogs in real time as soon as 2026.
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Photograph by Hugo Simberg
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