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By Dan Weaver

Onboard Facilitators: it is me, Head Facilitator Jacques Boissonneault, and I’m sorry to have to be the bad guy, but if you continue using the walls to indicate to specific individuals the times and places in which you are able to meet and have physical relations we will be forced to revoke marker privileges.

You–no, no, we!, even including me, Jacques–are way out here, light years from home, to perform a critical mission for the good of humanity. And, yes, we understand from a certain very valid perspective that physical relations are also good for humanity–trust me, I have dabbled, at times here and there in my life, in physical relations, and would definitely be open to more of that, given the opportunity!–but we’re wondering why not, as I am doing now, just post a message on the ship’s interhub?

You are probably right now groaning to yourself something along the lines of Come on Jacques, stop coming down so hard on us, Jacques, we’re just trying to have a little fun on this super long mission, Jacques, we’re lonely as heck way out here, Jacques, super alone, every night, 100% alone, Jacques. Well I’d like to remind you that physical relations among Facilitators is not at all prohibited! Even between rank-and-file Facilitators and Senior Facilitators, such as myself, Jacques. The only thing prohibited is using markers to write on all the walls. It’s only that.

Also, real quick, while we’re on the subject of writing, not a huge deal, really, this is neither here nor there, but I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight that my name is spelled Jacques, just as you see it there and several times throughout this communique. I tend to come across a great deal of marker/wall/sex requests for Jack but very few (zero) for Jacques. So, in the event that Jack is sometimes supposed to be Jacques (vs Jack B. or Jack P. or Jack L. (who is, don’t forget, dealing with with that contagious rash, unfortunately)), I want to put the facts out there because, throughout my life, I’ve definitely had a good handful of innocent Jack/Jacques confusion re spelling of my name. I’ve also noticed a few for Jacquie, which I only mention to, again, eliminate confusion in the event you meant Jacques, as in me, and not Jacquie as in Jacquie from engineering. I’ve even seen a couple for Jock(?), but, on account of the poor penmanship, it was difficult to be certain. Sr. Facilitator Megan Stroud is confident Jock in these instances equals Jack, vs potentially being a misspelling of my name, Jacques. However, since we have nobody on board called Jock, I thought I’d include it here just to cover all bases. Plus, if Jock does, in fact, equal Jack, then we’re back to the Jack/Jacques situation, so I think it’s relevant to mention either way.

Anyway, your markers are meant for labeling food containers. You are all persons of some esteem in your respective fields. Well respected individuals back home. For example, I, Jacques, have won a Nobel Prize in Physics. In my home town there is a library called The Jacques Boissonneault Community Library, which was named in my honor. Because of our collective academic and professional successes, when organizing this mission, we did not anticipate a problem with folks eating other folks’s leftovers accidentally or on purpose. That’s why, to answer the question we get a lot, we did not manufacture food containers preprinted with people’s names on them. We had the markers lying around as general clerical supplies and we figured that would solve the problem. Which it completely does. I, for one, can attest to that. I’m sure you have noticed the many containers of food in the refrigerator clearly labeled, in bold, all caps, with my correctly-spelled name: Jacques. To date, nobody, not even any of the Jacks or Jacquie, has taken my food since they know it belongs to me, Jacques. The lesson there being: correct names are important information to know.

But I don’t want, here on this official communique, to be only bad-guy, no-fun Jacques. I can be a good guy too, a real fun-loving, some might say understatedly handsome and surprisingly erotic, Jacques. Since we are all living together on this vessel like a big happy family–well, no, more like friends, like, let’s call it, wild and crazy professional friends–having only our last names embroidered on our standard-issue jumpsuits seems rather formal and cold and not a good way to read/learn/remember the proper spelling of someone’s first name. So, to end on a high note, I would like to officially announce that you are now allowed–encouraged even!–to use your markers to print your first names on your jumpsuits. Attached you will find a photo as an example. In it you will see me, Jacques, smiling and looking sort of past the camera because it has accidentally captured me in a moment of contemplative vulnerability, and you will see on my own suit where, above my last name (Boissonneault) I, using my marker, have written, in a clear and legible manner, my first name (Jacques).

Finally, I’d just like to remind each and every one of you, that if you have any questions, or need/want/desire/crave absolutely anything at all (like, _anything_), please do not hesitate, regardless of the time/day, to reach out to me directly on the ship’s interhub. Just search for Jacques.